Dear Parents and Caregivers,

I’ve recently picked up child psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs’ book “Children: The Challenge”. It’s a classic and some of the examples are outdated yet the philosophy about what children need and what motivates their behavior is so right on. It is this philosophy, originally developed by psychologist Alfred Adler, that is the foundation for many parenting programs including Vicki Hoefle’s work and “Positive Discipline”.

The idea is that all human behavior has a purpose and that purpose is to attain some sort of goal. We are social beings, and as such our ultimate goal is to feel a sense of belonging and significance within our immediate group (the first of which is our family). As such a child’s behavior is a means to attain the basic goal of feeling they belong and finding their place in the family.

Through trial and error and by trying on different behaviors children decide which behavior works to get their needs met. As Dreikurs says, children will “repeat the behavior that gives them a sense of having a place in their family and abandon that which makes them feel left out”. If productive behaviors don’t give them this sense, they will try on “misbehaviors” to see if this new way of acting gives them a better sense of belonging.
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Interested in understanding more about how this works? Read on!

A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:

“My child needs my attention 24-7.” 
“Every interaction with my child ends up in a power struggle.”
“There is so much disrespect in our relationship.”
“My child has given up and won't even try.”
 
In my Feb 24 column I talked about how behaviors are goal directed – they are attempts to get certain needs met. These needs can be summarized by the Crucial C’s as stated by authors Amy Lew, Ph.D. and Betty Lou Bettner, Ph.D. as "connection to others, to be capable of a degree of independence, to count as a member of the family and the community, and to find the courage to meet life's demands and seize its opportunities." 

Children will try various behaviors to get these needs met. 

When they try out constructive behaviors (asking for help, wanting to do things on their own, kindly stating their opinion) and their needs are met (parents pay attention, allow independence, give their children a say), then these behaviors will become part of their life’s strategies and how they interact with others.

However, if children’s needs don’t get met through constructive behaviors, for example if their efforts are met with criticism, lack of respect or dismissal, children will often feel discouraged and try out “misbehaviors.” A child may begin to whine, engage in power struggles or defy agreements in order to feel connected, capable or that they count. While it may sound counterintuitive, sometimes these misbehaviors, which are based on the child’s mistaken belief about how to achieve the Crucial C’s, do meet the child’s needs. These behaviors then become part of a child’s strategies and how they interact with others.

There are four mistaken goals of behavior that correspond with the Crucial C’s:

Attention. Children who don’t feel connected will often seek out undue attention in order to feel that they belong. Their mistaken belief is “I belong only when I have your attention. These are the children who are always needy, occupying every minute of your time.

Power. Children who don’t feel capable and are not given the chance to independently take care of themselves and contribute to their first community (their family) may feel inadequate and begin using power as a way to feel capable. Their mistaken belief is “I belong only when I’m the boss, or when I won’t let you boss me around.” Their power comes from the feeling that “You can’t make me!” They may seek control over themselves, others, or the situation at hand.

Revenge. Children who don’t feel that they count or matter, often feel hurt and insignificant. These are children whose efforts go unnoticed, or may not feel needed or liked. They may feel so hurt that they try to get revenge by hurting others. Their mistaken belief is “I don’t belong. I knew you were against me. At least I can hurt back.”

Avoidance. Children who don’t have courage often feel they are not good enough. This feeling of being inferior can lead them to avoid. This can show up as assumed inadequacy or helplessness. Their mistaken belief is “It is impossible to belong. I can’t do anything right. I might as well give up.” These are the children who give up, shrink back up or don’t want to try. Their thought is that it is better to not even try so no one sees their inabilities.

It’s important to note that sometimes our children’s physical and emotional development and brain maturity isn't quite there for them to use productive behaviors to get their needs met. Sometimes they don’t have the skills to ask politely, control their impulses and regulate their emotions. Sometimes they don’t have the knowledge of what appropriate behavior is in a certain situation. This is when we have to be really aware of what our responses to our children’s challenges are teaching them. Are we modeling the behavior we want to see, connecting with our children empathetically and teaching skills? Or are we responding with anger, punishment, criticism or shame and thus discouraging our children which may lead them toward the need for misbehavior? 

If we go by the theory that “a misbehaving child is a discouraged child” as psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs writes in his book “Children the Challenge,” what we need to do is investigate where the discouragement lies. Which Crucial C is my child not feeling? What is my child’s belief, or even mistaken belief, behind the behavior? How do my responses contribute to his belief? How can I encourage my child and help her develop a more positive belief about herself?

In my next four columns spaced at 6-week intervals I will dive into these mistaken beliefs in more detail using concrete examples, giving ideas about how to encourage the discouraged child toward behavior that gets their needs met in a more productive way. 

If you would like to discuss these ideas in more depth, join me for my “Parent Talk” discussion group via Zoom at 6pm on April 21. Find details here.

Rachel would like to thank Amy Lew, Ph.D., and her book “A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Motivating Children” for inspiration for this column.

Parents often come to me baffled by why their children are behaving a certain way. Rightly so. The hitting, screaming, whining, vies for attention, snarky responses, disrespectful attitude or defiance. We are good parents. We take care of our children, love them and give them what they need. Why do they get so upset or treat us so poorly?

There is a purpose for or reason behind every behavior, and it's often an attempt to reach some sort of goal. The first step in working with your child or teen's challenging behavior is what I call becoming a "behavior detective" – understanding where that behavior is coming from.

The topic of behavior development can be complicated and by no means will I be able to cover it all here, but in general a child’s behavior develops from a few simple places: genetics, brain development, interaction with others and the environment around you, and an attempt to get certain essential needs met.

In my most recent column I talk about behavior as developing in a social context – within the relationships we have in our families. It develops as a result of how we are responded to, what others believe about us and the strategies we use to get certain crucial needs met. 

Read more in my Feb 24, 2021 column in the Jackson Hole News & Guide below. If you would like a deeper dive to consider what this means for your child's behavior, join me for my periodic “Parent Talk” discussion group on April 21, 2021 6:00 MST modeled after this column. 

Discussion prompts will include questions that ask you to consider where your child's behavior is coming from.  Is the behavior indicating some sort of need the child/teen is trying to get met? Is your child trying to get an unmet need met but in a challenging way? Are your responses to your child's behavior getting you to your desired outcomes – in both the short and the long term?

What is causing our children and teens to behave this way? Join us for a discussion of what every child (and human) needs in order to thrive and how our behavior is often an attempt to get those needs met.

Click on these links for more info and to enroll.
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Be well, go hug your kids, and take good care of yourselves and others. 
With love and faith in you,
Rachel

Behavior Development and the Crucial C's
JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:
Whining. Disrespect. A snarky attitude. Not listening. The list can go on. Sometimes it can be hard to understand where a child’s behavior is coming from. 

A child’s behavior often develops in a cause and effect relationship with their parents or caregivers. The cause is the child’s behavior. The effect is the parent’s response. If this response is consistent, the child soon learns that if I do X, then Y will happen. If Y is something the child desires, then they will continue to do X in order to get what they want. However, if Y is not what they desire, they will soon stop doing X. 

Let’s use the classic example of a whining child. Child whines and parents do one of two things: parents either respond by giving the child what they are asking for, or parents will say, “stop whining”; “use your big boy voice”, or “I can't hear you when you talk like that”. Either way, child gets a desired outcome – parent’s attention. What if parent didn’t respond at all? Child whines and parent keeps doing what they were doing or acts like they didn’t hear the child. Parent simply ignores and moves on. This may sound a little harsh at first, yet hear me out. 

Child may get confused. Whining has always worked in the past, why isn’t mom or dad responding? So child may whine harder and louder to get parent’s attention. But you, the parent, are committed and won’t be broken. The whining is hard on your ears and has an impact on your relationship with your child since you end up frequently frustrated. Thus you stay calm and move on to something else. Then suddenly, at some point, out of nowhere your child asks for your attention using a clear, kind and normal voice. What do you do? You drop everything and give your child attention immediately. “Ah”, thinks the child, “this is what I want - mom or dad”. And if this pattern continues child will soon learn that using a regular voice (X) gets me what I want – mom or dad (Y). To confirm this you may note that your child does not whine at school, because the teacher does not respond to the whining – the child knows the strategy of whining to get attention only works with her parents.

This is what it’s about. Behaviors are strategies we all use to get our needs met. As psychologist Alfred Adler puts it, behaviors develop as a result of how we are responded to by others in our world. As a child these “others” are typically our parents or immediate caregivers. Psychologist Amy Lew has described it like this: as a child when we are born into a family, it’s as if we are born onto a stage and we are trying to figure out our role in the play without a script. We look to the other actors to determine our lines. We wonder if we are an understudy or if we are in the spotlight. We determine our role based on how we are responded to, our relationship with the other actors, and how we feel the others think about us.

Behaviors are thus directed by the goal to get certain needs met. If we can achieve this goal, we feel capable. We feel good that we can do something that takes care of our needs. We have a positive outlook of ourselves. If we can't achieve our goal of meeting these needs, we may become discouraged. This is where misbehavior can emerge as the child uses other means to meet their goal.

What are these needs – the goals that children are trying to achieve? Many will describe them using different words but they all boil down to the same thing. Using psychologists Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner’s “Crucial C’s”, “all human beings strive to fulfill their needs to be connected to others, to be capable of a degree of independence, to count as a member of the family and the community, and to find the courage to meet life’s demands and seize its opportunities.”  

Connected. We all need to feel that we are loved and accepted for who we are, that we are safe and secure and that we belong. This is not just a psychological need, it is also a physical need. As a young child we cannot survive unless we are connected to a capable adult. As children we will try different ways to relate to others and find the connection we need, and these strategies become part of our behavior.
Capable. We all need to believe that we are competent human beings, capable of taking care of ourselves and the world around us. We need to feel that we have efficacy – that we can enact change, meet our goals and create a desired result. As children we have an innate desire to strive for independence. The strategies we use to move toward becoming a capable and independent adult become part of our behavior.

Count. We all need to know that we are significant, that we are valued and that we matter. We need others around us to notice that we make a difference. As children, the attempts we make to feel valued, and whether or not we feel like we count to those around us, will impact our behavior. 

Courage. We all need to feel that we can overcome challenges, that we have the courage to get up from a fall, that we can solve problems, and at times, tackle things that we don’t necessarily enjoy. Life is filled with challenge and risk, trial and error. Whether or not we have the courage in ourselves and the belief of others in our abilities plays a role in how we behave.

Yes, there are other factors that impact our children’s behaviors. Genetics, brain development, feeling tired or stressed and societal impacts all play a role. Yet we are social beings developing in a social context and we cannot separate our development from our relationship with those around us.

So whether you are raising a toddler or a teen, start thinking about the cause and effect of your interaction with them. Does how you respond bring about a desired effect or behavior (the Y)? If not, how can you switch things up?
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If you are interested in diving deeper into these ideas, join me and other parents on my periodic “Parent Talk'' discussion group. Find more here.

Dear Parents and Caregivers,
Happy New Year! 

As 2021 rolled in I realized that I’ve written over 30 pieces for Jackson Hole News & Guide’s “Parent Talk” column. When I started writing I originally intended to write in a linear fashion where topics about child behavior and raising kids built upon one another. However, as I began to write, ideas came in that didn’t necessarily flow linearly. My work with parents would bring up new ideas to write about, and it seemed vitally important to begin discussions on current events such as the college admissions scandal (see my five part series on that subject found here and here), a deadly pandemic (see my columns on parenting during the coronavirus the impacts of school closures, living in lockdown and a parents role in hybrid learning), or racial injustice and the Black Lives Matter protests (see columns on having open family conversations about antiracism and specifics on how to talk to your children about race). 

These topics continue to be important, and I’m sure these and new events will compel me to write. Yet now as the new year begins I’m also feeling drawn toward examining important ideas about the development of adolescent and child behavior and the parent-child relationship in a more linear progression.

I believe so strongly in our role as parents in helping our children grow into healthy adults in a way that gives them the tools to not only weather and rise up from society's challenges but to also take action, create change and make the world a better place. In order to do this it helps to start with a foundation. 

Read this week’s column in Jackson Hole News & Guide where I ask you to start with a vision of what you want for your family and give you specific exercises to think about. I go on to explain where I intend to head with future columns. Notably I’ll be offering a monthly virtual discussion group that parallels each column. You can find details and register on my website here. The first discussion will be held on January 27.​ 

Be well, go hug your kids, and take good care of yourselves and others. 
With love and faith in you,
Rachel

Parent with Intention in the New Year
JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:

​To many, a new year signifies a new beginning – a fresh start. We do this for our work and personal lives when we create resolutions. Why not consider this for our families and how we raise our children?

Parenting with a vision in mind can be hard and in the long run has great benefits. 

We all see behaviors in our children that can raise our tempers – whining, disrespect, extended screen use, defiance, not following directions, and so on. It can be helpful to ask ourselves whether or not our strategies for working with these behaviors are effective. In other words, do we see the behavior diminishing? If the answer is no, it is often a sign that what we are doing isn’t working. (As I say this, I want to acknowledge that there are times that parents feel like they are barely surviving and behaviors may develop from factors that we have little control over such as social isolation, homeschooling during a pandemic and stressful times like we are currently experiencing).

In this new year I invite you to try the following exercise as a means of being intentional in getting more of what you want in your family life.

First start with who you want your children to be. For example you might hope your child develops into a kind, responsible person who has strong self-esteem and knows how to take care of themselves. Keeping in mind that we can’t force our children into anything – we can only guide and influence – make a list of the qualities you would like to see in your children that match your values. 

Second, given that discipline actually means to teach, ask yourself what it is you want to be teaching your children. Often the qualities you hope your children develop and what you hope you are teaching are very similar. For example, you might want your child to learn to make good decisions, to not interrupt when you are doing something important, to think about the consequences of their actions, to pick up after themselves, to manage their own bedtime and morning routines, or whatever small thing it is in the moment of a particular interaction. Make this list too.

Now put yourself in your children’s shoes – do you think they are learning what you want to be teaching? Are your responses truly teaching your children what you want them to learn? Make a third list of how you tend to respond to your children during times of “misbehavior”, when your blood is about to boil, or when your kids aren’t doing what you want.

Looking at this list, you might find that you have positive strategies of connecting, empathizing, working through problems or ignoring the pesky behaviors. If you are like most of us, myself included, you might also have strategies that aren't as constructive. Some of our go to strategies are often used because we don't know what else to do, because we are tired or rushed or frustrated, or because we just want the behavior to stop. This is all very normal – especially during challenging times such as these. 

When your reserves feel strong and you feel up to the task, ask yourself if strategies such as bribing, threatening, yelling, punishing, nagging, reminding or criticizing actually get you to where you want to be. Are these strategies teaching what you want to be teaching or developing the qualities in your children you hope for? And importantly, do they work for the long term? Are you seeing a change in behavior – or does the behavior only temporarily stop and then come back again in a day or two?

For example, can we teach a child not to hit if we hit them? Are we teaching a child how to manage their anger if we yell? If our child whines or interrupts and we give them attention by telling them to stop whining or interrupting, are we teaching them to stop those behaviors? 

Lastly, using author Vicki Hoefle’s exercise, think about who you want to be as a parent and how you want your children to describe you when they are 30 years old? Would your current interactions with your kids during times of challenge get them to your ideals? You can think about this in terms of how you were raised and how you would describe your parents to a close friend. While parents describe their own parents to me with love, affection and appreciation, they also talk about their parents as being critical, perfectionistic, not present, needing control, worrying too much or disregarding their opinions, for example. 

I encourage you to sit down and really write out these lists. The idea is to consider whether what you are doing is getting you and your family to where you want to be. Is it getting you to more of what you want – the strong relationship, the ease of getting along and the ability to compromise, see the other side and cooperatively problem solve – in other words more harmony?

Over my next several columns, which come in six-week intervals, I’ll be talking about changing things up so you can get more of what you want. The first step is to start defining what you want – so get out paper or poster board and start your visioning process! 

I’ll start from ground zero – the hows and whys of child behavior: where does a child’s behavior come from, how does it develop, and what do children and teens need in order to develop into thriving adults. And then we’ll go on to discuss what this looks like in daily interactions using real life examples (so send me your questions and scenarios). I’ll give you ideas and exercises along the way.  What I plan on discussing is applicable for parents of all age children – toddler through teen. 

To this end, I invite you to join me in a monthly Zoom discussion group. Topics will parallel those of my column and you’ll be able to get insights into how these ideas apply to your personal family dynamics (find details at www.GrowingGreatFamilies.org).

Thanks to Amy Lew, Ph.D., and the books she co-authored from Connections Press for inspiration for this column. Rachel offers individual and group parent coaching sessions at rates that work for individual family budgets. You can find her at www.GrowingGreatFamilies.org.

JACKSON HOLE NEWS & GUIDE: “What is my role as a parent in supporting my child’s at-home learning?” This is one of the biggest questions I’m hearing from parents.

The scenario is often a derivation of something like this: My son is having a hard time turning in his assignments. My daughter is on her device all the time – even during Zoom class. My child isn’t motivated. They aren’t engaged. They are in their room all the time. Their grades are suffering. They have stopped showing up for online school.

Parents then wisely ask the question, “Do I constantly monitor my child’s school work and dictate when and how they do it, or do I make it clear that it is their responsibility and let them fail at times?” They go on to acknowledge that the intervening and micromanaging lead to power struggles and a rift in the relationship.

What’s a parent to do?

When I ask parents who they want their kids to be as learners they say they want them to be self-driven, independent, motivated learners who take responsibility and find interest in their learning. Of course this isn’t going to happen for every assignment and every student, but you get the gist.

Yet if we are highly involved in our kids’ school work by telling them how and when to do it, it is hard for them to develop the skills necessary to become that self-driven learner. Our involvement also sends them the message that we don’t trust they can do it on their own.

On the other hand, we can’t bear to see our kids fail. We fear that if we do step back our kids won’t take on any of the responsibility themselves.

There is a middle ground. It's a gradual approach and you have to be willing to accept a few steps back and some turbulent waters before you see results.

It’s OK to say to your kids, “I’ve noticed lately that it’s hard for you to get your school work done… that you don’t seem motivated… that you are on your device and distracted a lot…” or whatever it is in your home. 

Then validate what life has been like for them. Let your child know you understand what a tough situation this is. Home alone, no friends around to make school fun, and being asked to complete school work that may not be motivating.

Tell your kids, “I don’t want to be nagging and micromanaging you anymore. It’s not fun for me, it’s not good for our relationship, and I’m sure you don’t like it either. So what are we going to do?”

Then ask them questions and help them problem solve. “What has been working for you? When do you feel the most motivated? What are the challenges? What goals or expectations do you have for yourself? What do you think will happen if you don’t do your work? Do you really want to fail this class or repeat this grade while all your friends move on? Is there a system that you can come up with that will work for you? How would you like me to be involved? Where can I support?”

Give your kids a few days to think about this and schedule a time to come back and talk. And then leave them alone. Follow through with what you said about not nagging. Your fingernails may be bitten down to the end, but do what it takes to give them their space. 

If they’ve asked for your support, then by all means give it – while acknowledging that the system they come up with may not be the one you had in mind. Let them try their system for a week then come back and reevaluate. Acknowledge all the positives. This is so important! We spend too much time on what is not working. We need to flip the scale.

If the system isn't working, go back to the drawing board. It’s OK to have limits and boundaries – especially when it comes to tech use – and it works even better if you can involve your child in creating them. You can bring the child’s goal into this: “I know your goal was to finish all your school work by 5pm, but it seems like time on your device is preventing you from doing that. How do you want to solve this problem?” If they can’t come up with their own limit, it is OK to create one yourself.
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Here’s why it’s important to back off: Much of your child’s behavior might be about the power struggle. From age 2 to 22 our kids are striving for increasing autonomy and independence. They need to have a sense of control over their own lives where they feel they can act upon the world and have impact on their own lives. If they haven’t been given this chance they are going to fight back. So drop it from your side. Give them the space and time to rise to the occasion on their own all while handing off more and more responsibility to them in other areas of their lives (self-care, contributions in the home or community, etc.).

When you back off you are giving your kids ownership. You are showing them you believe that they can solve their problem on their own. Your belief in them is the foundation for their belief in themselves. 

Go slow - your kids might not want to talk with you about any of this if they are used to the conversation ending up in nagging and power struggles. They may need time to trust that you aren’t going to jump down their throats about what they are doing wrong every time this subject comes up.

Will our kids fail sometimes in this process? Yes. And they will learn how to pick themselves back up. I know the stakes seem high when it comes to school and grades. And our job as parents is to teach our kids while they are still in our homes to navigate the world independently. This learning will come with some setbacks, but the results are worth it. Be patient, set up agreed-upon boundaries at first, then gradually let go.

Our kids need to know we believe in them. They need to know they are capable. It is our job to give them these opportunities so have faith that while things may get messy in this process you are teaching your kids invaluable skills and fostering an inner strength that will last a lifetime.

Dear Parents and Caregivers,
There were times when my kids were little when I would find myself, hands in the air, looking toward the sky and thinking “I have no idea what to do in this moment” as if I were asking for divine intervention to swoop down and wave its magic wand to create the peace I so deeply desired.

Yes, parenting did not come easy to me. I loved my kids to death – and continue to – and I found loads of joy in being with them, but when the you-know-what hit the fan and emotions were raging, all I wanted was calm, rationality and control. I was at a loss. A complete loss. There were moments when I hated how my children and I interacted – the tantrums, the high emotions, the bedtime battles, the neediness – and my lack of ability to deal with it all effectively. 

As I wrote in my previous column, parental burnout is real, and I imagine there were times when I was there. I knew I needed help – I wanted help – but I didn't know how to ask, where to look, and I was afraid anyone I talked to wouldn't be able to talk to me in a way that aligned with my thoughts on parenting. So I struggled – and worked really hard to figure it out on my own. But I lost a lot of good time with my children, which could have been avoided if I had gotten help.

Don’t make the mistake I made. As I write in last week's Jackson Hole News & Guide, you don’t need to suffer through challenged family dynamics. Asking for parenting support in no way means you are a bad parent – rather the contrary – it means you care enough to take the time to work on things that don’t feel right. You and your children will benefit. Time is precious with our children – and so are you!

Be well, go hug your kids, and take good care of yourselves and others. 

With love and faith in you,
Rachel
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Parenting is tough; it's OK to ask for help
JACKSON HOLE NEWS & GUIDE:
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I’ve worked with a few families over the years who’ve told me they waited a year to finally call me and ask for support. When I asked them why it had taken them so long to pick up the phone, they said family life had finally gotten really challenging. It made me wonder: why do we wait to ask for help?

Parenting feels especially hard for many of us right now. The world has become a more and more complicated landscape in which to raise children. In normal times, let alone during a pandemic, so many aspects of parenting – managing the household, childcare, differing schedules, work, various behaviors and everyone’s emotions – can be psychologically exhausting.

Yet we don't ask for help. 

Very few of us come into raising children with a degree in psychology or child development. All we know is that our kids refuse to get into the car and we've got an 8:00 meeting we have to get to and we'll do whatever it takes to get them buckled in so we can get to work on time. And often that involves a tactic that leaves us feeling undermined, angry, exhausted or just plain sad.

Why is it we don’t ask for help?

We believe we’re supposed to know what to do. We feel like failures if there are challenges in our family lives that we don't know how to manage. Parents have been raising children for generations – shouldn't this come naturally to us?

Yet parenting is complicated – and it’s messy. As we seek to prepare our children to enter this increasingly complicated world, and as we continue to understand the neuroscience of the developing brain, parenting roles and ideas have shifted. We were given a manual to learn how to drive, but no one handed out the manual telling us how to calmly remove the digital device from our screaming 6-year or coax our angry teen into spending time with us. Our children’s behaviors can seem irrational and can trigger our strong reactions, and we are inundated by often conflicting advice from every angle. It is normal to not know how to respond in every situation. 

We don’t feel we can carve out the time. Life is busy. Sometimes we don’t feel like we have an extra second for anything. We don’t have the time to intentionally work out solutions with our children or attend a parenting class because we are frantically trying to take care of everything else, put out fires and keep the peace. 

Yet sometimes taking a step back to get help with new strategies and ways of responding, creating routines and systems with our children, or taking time to problem solve issues in relationships can actually save time in the long run, bring a lighter atmosphere into the home and prevent some of the fires from igniting in the first place.

Sometimes it takes a shifting of priorities: Perhaps let go of the condition of the house or have cereal for dinner so you can take a walk with a trusted friend or create a workable morning routine with your children.

We live in a society that prides itself on self-sufficiency and independence. As such, asking for help is perceived as a weakness. As in other aspects of our lives we believe if we just work harder, plan more and do the background research we can be successful and well respected. 

“Yet,” an article in HuffPost says, “when self-sufficiency is taken to the extreme, the burden of too much responsibility can cause stress, unrealistic expectations, lack of self acceptance and no acknowledgment of personal needs…..and in our society the bar continually gets higher and the risk of burnout is huge”.

This belief that we should be able solve our problems on our own leads us to pushing off asking for help until the point where we are really suffering. 

If you are struggling – or even if if you’re not but feel like some fine tuning could help – but are afraid to reach out, try using author Peggy Collins “ACT Formula”:

A – What are you afraid of? What is preventing you from asking for help? Fear of rejection? Appearing vulnerable? Surrender of power?
C – Let go of feeling you have to control everything and that asking feels like giving up that control.
T – Learn to trust yourself enough to reach out and take a chance that you can trust someone else.”

What does help look like? 
Help can come in different forms. Figure out what works for you and don't be afraid to ask for it. Find a community of parents to talk to. Ask a friend to swap childcare so you can take care of yourself. Talk to your partner about balancing out the family workload. Seek support for working through your children's pesky behaviors that are making parenting no longer fun for you. 

Don’t wait until daily life finally feels unbearable. You don’t need to suffer through challenged family dynamics. Asking for parenting support in no way means you are a bad parent – rather the contrary – it means you care enough to take the time to work on things that don’t feel right. The wellbeing of your children and the quality of your family life are important. You and your children will benefit. Time is precious with our children – and so are you!

Antiracism is about more than being kind - Jackson Hole News & Guide

Antiracist families start with open conversation - Jackson Hole News & Guide

Dear Parents and Caregivers,

Just today, even after being on lockdown for close to two months I said to my family all of whom were working away on their Zoom calls and virtual school in the same room as I, “this is so strange”. You think I would have accepted it by now. For the most part I have, but still the fact that we wear masks and gloves into the grocery store, maintain distance from those we encounter, and actually try not to even encounter others is never something I would have imagined. Nor would I have imagined a global closure, massive loss of life and social and economic devastation. While I wouldn’t have imagined the necessity, I would have imagined the way neighbors, communities, scientists and global leaders have come together to do the best they can to support the vulnerable, the sick, the dying, and those who are taking care of them.

It all can feel very surreal. We are living in a new world, and as such we are being forced to look at who we are in a different way. And this can be unnerving. 

As Julio Vincent Gambuto writes in his essay “The Gaslighting of America Has Begun,” “And now, here we are, alone in our houses, surrounded by loss, many in great despair, being asked to look inward. There is no brand, no leader, no voice that can help us now. We have to help ourselves. This is the moment in the movie that the truth comes out — the truth of who we are and who we most want to be. Armed with that truth, [we] head into the next act with a better understanding of [ourselves] and a revived purpose in the world.”

This idea is what this week’s column in Jackson Hole News & Guide is about (scroll down to see the uncut version) — as it applies to being a parent. My message to parents is always, who do you want to be? As we are forced inside our homes, can we focus more on the internal, and use that as a guidepost as we approach any interaction we have with our children and teens?

Armed with the truth of who we want to be and who we hope our kids become — kind, compassionate, generous, responsible, aware (insert your words here) — we can use this as an anchor to remind us that we have the power to respond to our children in ways that help us uphold those truths.

Be well, take good care of yourselves, go hug your kids, and continue to ask, “who do I want to be as a parent?”

With love and faith in you,
Rachel
Many of the ideas for this column were generated from conversations with Vicki Hoefle — thank you Vicki!

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Lockdown asks us to focus on the internal​
(The longer, uncut version. You can find the edited version at Jackson Hole News & Guide)

Be. Do. Have.   This is something parent educator Vicki Hoefle said recently.

Who do you want to be? What do you need to do in order to be that person? After the being and the doing, you will end up with a result - something you have. It is not the other way. It is always who do you need to be and what do you need to do in order to get what you want to have. 

Whether we are working from home, still working outside the home, or have tragically lost our jobs, many people have been experiencing a bit of an identity crisis during the quarantining-home with the kids 24/7- social distancing part of the COVID-19 pandemic. Who are we now that our world has been turned upside down?

Our identity, who we are, is often formed through internalizing the values of one’s parents or culture. It develops indirectly from how the world around us — parents, peers, employers, society in general — responds to us.  It is a complicated topic and by no means am I an expert. While I only focus on one aspect of identity here, it is important to recognize that there are also cultural, racial and gender identities. While these have significant impact, especially for those that are marginalized, a larger discussion on identity is outside the scope of this column.

For some of us our identities are crumbling because they were built on a certain sense of security, predictability and dependability that have given us a feeling of safety. Right now the world doesn't feel super safe and the future is uncertain, and the fear this brings up can change our identity, for example, from that of a competent person in the work world to what New York Times columnist Emily Flake describes as a “panicked bird”. Adding to that, our identities are formed in relation to others, which we now have very little of, leaving us at a loss for who we are.

The identities for many are also changing because they have lost jobs and loved ones. Who am I if I am not the one who provides for my family? Who am I if not the one who provides for my family? Who am I if not a spouse, daughter, dear friend? Who am I or if I cannot save the lives of so many around me?

As adults we may define ourselves in several ways: parent, friend, athlete, or by our jobs. Often our self worth is tied into how well we do the roles with which we identify. Our society places a great deal of value on being productive. We go to work, we do a good job, and we get rewarded in the form of a paycheck and sometimes acknowledgement. This becomes part of our identity.

Valuing productivity and achievement has been programmed into us by a consumerist society. The thought that “I’m not anything if I'm not productive” is prevalent. Our value, sense of self worth, and often our identity comes from this. We both brag and lament about being busy.

We know how to get through a work day. It’s often rational, logical and orderly. We know what we have to do to get the job done. We either are given instructions or we give them, and for the most part everyone does what they are told.

Yet often we don't know how to translate our identity as a worker into that of being a parent. 
I speculate we have both internal and external identities. The external is what we do, what is visible to others, or a role we play: father, dancer, engineer. The internal is who we are: kind, responsible, generous. It often seems that the do (the external) comes before the be (the internal). In other words, we often focus primarily on our external identities. And this may be because those identities are what our culture and society prime us to prioritize through monetary reward, notoriety or media and marketing schemes that manipulate us into feeling that we have to look, act, behave and feel a certain way.

And sometimes we see this in how we raise our kids. Often parents focus on the external: what sports or musical instruments will our kids play, what grades will they get, will they go to college, and if so where, or what jobs will they have? The pressure we feel for our kids to achieve originates from, is often driven by, and exemplifies the external.

So how does this apply to parenting during the lockdown necessitated by COVID -19?
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During this time of social isolation, being at home with our kids 24/7, changing how we typically show up for work (if we still have a job), managing our feelings of uncertainty, losing loved ones and caring for the sick has pushed us beyond our comfort zones and challenged the ways we think about ourselves. It has exposed our vulnerabilities and forced us to learn new skills. As Emily Flake writes in her article “Big Pandemic Feelings”, “this quarantine feels like a time of reckoning, forcing us to look at ourselves as we really are.” 

Exactly. It’s time we focus on the internal.

Now that many find themselves newly at home full time with their children due to unemployment or working from home, some families are having a hard time functioning well. Parents are overwhelmed, anxious, and have no idea how to manage this new world where we suddenly are faced with finding a new identity. The order and predictability of our work worlds where people know what to do and do what they are told doesn’t translate into being a parent with unpredictable children and teens who have a will of their own and an intense and innate -- and completely normal — drive to be their own independent people. (Remember they are in the stage where they are forming their own identities themselves).

To some extent we are trying to fit the same productivity equation that works in our jobs into raising our children. Yet our kids don’t comply. They don’t know the rules, and even if they did there’s a good chance they won’t willingly follow them. Suddenly we find ourselves in a new world with new rules where no one has given us the instruction manual. 

Our prowess at work does not translate to prowess in the messy world of raising children. The confidence we find in doing our neat and tidy jobs is not something we feel at home with a tantruming toddler, defiant middle-aged child, or a teen engaging in risky behaviors. We become undone. Our identities which have been so tied up in the external are suddenly coming crashing down now that we are being forced to focus more on the internal.

So while our external identities are crumbling for a myriad of reasons, I invite us all to consider spending more time focusing on the internal. Who do I want to be? 

Our priorities may be shifting. What is the most important?

All we can do is let go. Allow ourselves to temporarily crumble and quickly reconstruct ourselves into something new. Our identity doesn't have to come from the kudos of the outside world. It can come from the internal. 

As I always say, it all goes back to our values. What is most important to us in this life? Who do we want to be? How do we want our kids to describe us when they are 30 years old? And who do we hope our kids become? Note — not the what, the who — the character.

If we can start from knowing who we want to be as parents and have a good idea of who we hope our kids become as adults, most often we can see our way through to the other side of every interaction with them. If we can step back and find neutral before running in hot to a challenging situation and remember that the relationship with our children is most important (and teaching skills is a close second), then perhaps we can scale back our reactivity and preempt an eminent power struggle. If we approach our children with calm we are more often than not going to get better results. And if we don't get the results we hope for, we have to check that our expectations are realistic, work with our children toward a compromise, or realize that our children need time and practice in learning a new skill.

Some are saying this time is only about survival. Yet how long can we withstand that mentality and what will be the aftermath? For much of the nation, and perhaps soon for all, schools will be closed for the remainder of the school year — that’s until mid June for some. Living on a survival mentality for that long is not sustainable.

If this seems confusing or hard, that’s OK. I know that living at home with children and trying to work with no outside support — made even more difficult in situations of poverty, single-parenting, and other struggles — is an extremely challenging situation. In no way am I trying to minimize that. Just as our kids need support in learning new skills, sometimes so do we. I know I do.

During this pandemic we are realizing all sorts of capabilities we didn't know we had. We are capable of holding the space while we and our children move through disappointment, hardship, boredom, isolation, confusion and overwhelm. We are capable of resilience, flexibility and compassion. We are capable of sacrifice in order to protect the health of the greater community. We are capable. 

And here’s the thing. Believing in one's abilities makes most things easier, including parenting during a pandemic. I believe that you have the strength and the courage to be the parents you wanted to be when you held your newborn in your arms and looked into her eyes. Our identities may be changing in ways that are unnerving to us right now. But who we want to be as parents can remain constant.  
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Be. Do. Have. Believe in who you can be.

Many of the ideas for this column were generated from conversations with Vicki Hoefle — thank you Vicki!