 Do your interactions with your kids open them up to conversation or shut them down? Read this week's article in Jackson Hole News & Guide to explore how we validate or dismiss our children's experiences.
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Believing in our kids for who they are allows us to more easily feel confident that they will thrive no matter what comes their way.  This has been the hardest article for me to write by far. It's about themes that stem from Felicity Huffman's letter to the judge hearing her case for paying to have her daughter's SAT scores altered -- the college admissions scandal revisited. It would be easy for me to write about how bad Huffman is, how egregious her crime was, and about her abuse of and inability to see her wealth and privilege. Those are all true -- and they have all been written about. Here I dive deeper into the larger social context because I want to examine the underlying social and cultural forces at play and how they might invoke deeper thoughts about our own personal lives in raising children.
What drives one to commit such a crime? This is what I investigate in this week's Jackson Hole News & Guide article. I barely scratch the surface in this short column, and many of my thoughts had to be cut due to space. I wonder what thoughts these ideas invoke in you?  How do you feel about your kids going back to school? Happy to get your kids back into some structure? Sad to see the carefree days end? Transitioning back to school can bring some challenges. Read my latest article in Jackson Hole News&Guide to consider some proactive ways your family can make this transition go more smoothly.
 We all want what's best for our children, yet wanting what's best can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to provide the "best" and on our kids to live up to it.
Read this week's column in Jackson Hole News & Guide to consider creating a vision for your family rather than wanting what's "best".   This week's column in Jackson Hole News&Guide is about maintaining clear boundaries with our children and teens. How do you feel when you've set a boundary and then let it slip away? Perhaps your kids' arguments and emotions are too strong; you feel bad for your kids or feel you are being too "harsh"; or you don't have the confidence that your boundaries are well placed.
When we let our boundaries slide, often we feel depleted and resentful; deep down we know we aren't upholding our values and standards and we aren't teaching our kids skills they need to learn. Maintaining clear boundaries in a firm and kind way is respectful to ourselves as parents and to our kids. As parents we don't feel taken advantage of when we hold to our boundaries. For the kids, if we say what we mean and mean what we say they know, as Brené Brown says "what is OK and what is not OK." They know the "rules", what is expected of them, and how to move forward in the world. If we have boundaries that are often co-created, or steeped in our values, and hold to them, the arguments, nagging, and complaining will begin to decline. What a gift to the relationship we have with our kids! Of course our boundaries need to be reasonable - we want to give our kids the freedom to grow. They also need to be maintained with respect so that our kids want to adhere to them. If you start creating boundaries where none have previously existed, expect some push back from your kids at first. This push back will diminish over time if the boundaries are upheld with respect and understanding. Read more in my recent column in Jackson Hole News & Guide about how to create boundaries and the benefits of doing so. "Say it straight, say it simple, say it with a smile." 🙂  I’ve written a lot about the idea that hovering over or paving the way for our children does more harm than good for their long term development. This week's column in Jackson Hole News and Guide looks at this idea more specifically. We know what’s not good for our kids, but what does that look like in real life, and what can we do instead?
Studies show that people in their early 20s now often act more like teens, and young teens often act more like children. Why is this? This week's column considers how we can let our children and teens become masters of their own destinies, so to speak, in developmentally appropriate ways that teach them skills without us having to nag, remind, or do things for them.  I will admit - I like to be in control. As a parent, this means I have to hold myself back on a daily basis from doing something for or saying something to my kids that undermines not only their ability to do things for themselves but also how they feel about themselves. It is a regular battle. Author and parent educator Vicki Hoefle suggests duct tape - for the parents’ mouth! Beyond ripping all the hairs off my upper lip, holding my tongue has become a daily practice that I am constantly working to master. Holding my tongue allows me to step back and think about what is really important as the end result of any given interaction I have with my kids. Again, in no way am I proficient with this -- it is a daily practice.
What is really important? That I teach my kids skills, that I have faith in their abilities, that I encourage them, and that I strengthen rather than fracture our relationship. How I react to and interact with my kids can build character strengths in my kids or tear them down. Read this week's column in Jackson Hole News and Guide to consider the idea that while we are living with toddlers through teens, we are actually raising an adult. This is the last in my four-part series on ideas that stem from the college admissions scandal. See below to find past articles in the series exploring our deep love for our kids, anxieties we may have about their future and how we can help our kids to grow into thriving adults.  In thinking about this week's column in Jackson Hole News and Guide, I've found that it's really hard for me to not help my kids. In our house, we have expectations that our kids' morning routines are their own. This includes making their own breakfast and lunch. But sometimes they wake up tired; they don't given themselves enough time; they end up late for school. So what do I do? I help. I have no problem with this on the surface. I enjoy helping others. Yet my help with lunch making or putting dishes in the dishwasher is not allowing them to fully be in charge of their lives or learn what it takes to get somewhere on time. And honestly, since this pattern has become somewhat frequent in our house, I can become resentful. Resentful that I become the maid, resentful that I allow boundaries to slip.
This morning I said to my kids, "It's no skin off my back if you are late to school". I said this with kindness. Whatever consequences they receive from the school for being late is on them. I also said, "the problem is that it's really hard for me to not help, especially when we're all running around and stressed about being late". I told them I'm going to try really hard to stop helping in the mornings. This will be hard for me, and in reading this it may sound unkind. But because this problem keeps coming back in our house, my helping is not teaching them responsibility for their own lives. My family's morning routine is just a small example of the things we do for our kids that they are capable of doing for themselves. Where do you find the balance between helping your kids and holding them responsible for doing things for themselves, even if it means there might be consequences if they don't get it "right"? Read this week's column in the Jackson Hole News and Guide to consider the balance between helping our kids navigate life experiences and sheltering them from what life throws their way; and the fear and love that motivates us to do things for our kids. The recent college admission scandal brings up many thoughts on today’s parenting challenges. My newest column in Jackson Hole News & Guide is the third in a biweekly four-part series that explores our deep love for our kids, anxieties we may have about their future and how we can help our kids to grow into thriving adults.  I've been thinking a lot about my recent column in Jackson Hole News & Guide titled "Think who, not what, you want your kids to be". Take a minute and think -- what is most important to you in your child's development as they launch into adulthood? Does it stem from values and internal character traits, or does it stem from external forces and material gains? There can be arguments for the value of both; and often in today's world it can be easy to overlook the internal traits for the external gains.
While the title of the article speaks to the importance of our kids' character, the article is mostly about our fears and worries about our kids' futures. I know all too well that our fears and worries can come up when we focus on who our kids become just as much as when we focus on what our kids become. The point is that relaxing about our kids' futures might be the best way for them to not only thrive but to also allow their own identities, hopes and dreams to emerge. The recent college admission scandal brings up many thoughts on today’s parenting challenges. This week's column is the second in a biweekly four-part series that explores our deep love for our kids, anxieties we may have about their futures and how we can help our kids to grow into thriving adults. Read my latest article to ponder these ideas more - and check out my newest class "Raising an Adult" if you want to explore these ideas in your family.  I love my kids. Yet the degree to which I shelter my kids from life's challenges, or do things to make life easier for them, is not necessarily a measure of my love. I've found that loving and letting go, witnessing failure and despair, and withholding my opinions and advice can be extremely hard. Yet doing this with kindness and support shows my kids that I am there for them and that I trust in their abilities, that failure is OK, and that they are capable of getting back up again. By no means do I excel in this - it is a continuous practice.
The recent college admission scandal brings up many thoughts on today’s parenting challenges. My recent column in Jackson Hole News & Guide is the first in a biweekly four-part series that explores our deep love for our kids, anxieties we may have about their future and how we can help our kids to grow into thriving adults. What thoughts do you have about the college admissions scandal? Are there areas where you could let go a bit and hand over some of the reins to your kids? I know there are for me! Read my latest article in Jackson Hole News & Guide to ponder these ideas more - and check out my newest class "Raising an Adult" if you want to explore these ideas in your family. |
AuthorRachel Wigglesworth has an M.Ed. in Parent and Family Education and is excited to explore the world of raising children with you! Archives
September 2019
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