JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:
Imagine the student whose teacher suggests she move to the honors class, the tennis player who is asked to play on the more competitive team or the musical talent who is invited to play on a big stage.

Often we think, what an amazing learning opportunity this will be for the child or teen to be challenged and develop their abilities. While some kids may agree and rise to meet the challenges (albeit with an appropriate level of nerves) and meet the task head on, others may be scared, shrink or not even try. It can be too scary to try, perhaps fail, and have it be found out that they actually aren’t as good as everyone says they are, as good as they thought they were.

These kids believe that their ability is who they are. I am either good at this or I’m not. I’m a winner or a failure. It’s not, “Wow, that was hard. It may have been a setback (or an exciting challenge). Let’s go back and try again.”

Some respond to failure, difficulty or challenge as an affront to themselves. I’m not good. I can’t do it. I give up. I don’t want to try. Others respond with curiosity, perseverance and tenacity. I love a challenge. What can I learn from this? What can I do differently next time? And of course there are some gray areas in between.

Parents have come to me saddened by their child’s quickness to quit, their lack of desire to try something new, challenging or slightly out of their comfort zone, or even giving up on something they used to love. Where does this apparent lack of confidence come from?

Psychologist and professor Carol Dweck in her seminal work on fixed and growth mindsets might lead us to some answers.

Those with a fixed mindset tend to believe that one’s abilities are innate character traits that people are born with, and no amount of effort will change this. The thought is that if I only have a fixed amount of intelligence, talent or ability then I better prove that those abilities are high because there is nothing I can do to make them better. Further, there is a desire to avoid failure at all costs, lest it be found out that I am not smart, talented, athletic or good.

Where does a fixed mindset come from? Often from too much generalized praise: “Good job!” “You’re so smart.” “You’re an amazing athlete.” Kids who are told this over and over again can come to believe that this is who they are. The child or teen can feel so much pressure to live up to this idea of “who” they are that they are afraid to try more challenging activities. What if they fail or it’s found out they actually don’t have those abilities?

Sometimes being born with these natural abilities, such as a propensity toward academics, an ease with music or a naturally athletic body, can be more of a curse than an advantage. If I am born this way, I will always be this way. My ability is fixed. And if it is fixed, or “carved in stone” as Dweck says in her book “Mindset,” challenges can become scary: “You are either smart or you aren’t and failure means you aren’t.”

Those with a growth mindset have a more open mind about their abilities. They believe talent can be cultivated by effort, hard work and practice. They see failure as a learning opportunity, which gives them room to grow.

Where does a growth mindset come from? It comes from specific praise, and kids being praised for their effort: “You worked really hard at that.” “You really worked at your passing today.” “I noticed how you stuck with that hard math problem until you figured it out.” Dweck’s studies show that children who are praised for their effort choose more challenging tests and do better on subsequent tests. Those who are told they are smart choose tests that are easier in order to confirm their intellect, and their performance does not improve.

When kids are told they are smart or talented or athletic they get the message “look good, don’t make mistakes,” and so they shy away from challenges or anything that might make them look bad. As Dweck says, the name of the game becomes “arrange successes and avoid failure at all costs.”
What is important as parents is that we don’t brush over or try to quickly ameliorate failure. Often we are afraid to talk about failure for fear that our kids will feel bad. Yet if we don’t talk about what went wrong, how can we learn from it?

Dweck believes that rather than giving up, the way to bounce back from failure is to work hard and try again. It’s the idea of persistence, a trait, as authors Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman write in their book “Nurture Shock,” that allows people to rebound and sustain motivation even if the gratification, or reward, is delayed.

Bronson and Merryman go on to explain that there is an actual message in the brain that is sent when there is a lack of immediate reward. It says, “Don’t stop trying, there is dopamine on the horizon.” But the release of too much dopamine, the feel-good chemical our brain emits when we get a reward, can backfire: “[A] person who grows up getting too frequent rewards [or blanket praise] will not have persistence, because they’ll quit when the rewards disappear.” You can see why too much praise can lead to a lack of motivation.

And, as Dweck notes, when we praise ability we take the outcome out of children and teens’ control. When we emphasize effort, kids can see they can actually play a role. It gives them a sense of mastery and agency.

It’s hard to enjoy an activity when your entire focus is on looking smart, athletic or talented. And it’s certainly hard to put yourself out there in public and even try. If our kids have interest or passion in something — a love of learning, sport or the arts — we hope to see them follow their passions. Not because we want to see the outcomes, but because it brings them a sense of joy, accomplishment or pride. What kids need is a strategy for handling failure and a belief that they can control their outcomes. As Dweck says, “the view that you adapt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life.”

Stay tuned this school year as I apply these ideas more specifically to homework, motivation, sports and more.
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Want to learn more on mindsets and the inverse power of praise? Go to my resource page at GGFWyo.com and scroll down to the section on mindsets.
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JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:
Breaking curfew. Telling you they are spending the night at a friend’s house whose parents are home and you later find out they were at a party where alcohol was flowing freely. Not doing their assigned chores. Going out and binge drinking until blacking out. Sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night. Vaping, smoking pot or doing other drugs. Staying up until 3AM in their rooms playing video games. Talking back. Being mean, rude or disrespectful. Disobeying family rules or agreements. Pure defiance. 

Teen rebellion can run from the relatively innocuous to the extreme. Like it or not, it is a normal part of teen development, and, like it or not, some level of teen rebellion is actually healthy and serves a positive purpose. As I wrote in my June 1 column titled “The gentle push and pull of raising teens”, teens are doing the important work of individuating from their parents and developing a sense of autonomy.

As Christine Carter, author of “The New Adolescence ” writes, teens no longer need their parents to manage their lives. “Parents who are too controlling – those who don’t step down from their manager roles – breed rebellion.” One of the main reasons kids break rules is not because they are bad kids but because they want a sense of control over their own lives. Rebellious behavior can also stem from other things including adolescents’ propensity toward risk taking – something I will discuss in a future column.

Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman report in their book “Nurture Shock”, that “it’s essential for some things to be ‘none of your business’”. Lying or withholding information helps adolescents carve out an identity separate from their parents. Think about it – how much did your parents know about your whereabouts and activities when you were a teen?

What’s important is that this need for autonomy doesn't start at age 15. It starts at age 11 and even younger. We need to be able to give our kids the reins of their own lives as early as possible in an age appropriate way.

Despite the inevitable challenges, we as parents can help guide our teens through this stage using a few basic principles. It is important to note that some situations need intervention immediately, including threat to self, threat to others and declining mental health. It is important to seek professional help in these situations.

Setting rules. As Bronson and Merryman write, parents who are warm and have open conversations with their kids are those who are the most effective in setting rules that kids will follow. It’s not that these parents set an abundance of rules, but more that they’ve come up with agreements with their kids about certain key activities, talked about why the rules are in place, and allowed their teens autonomy and decision making over other aspects of their lives.

Balance between strict and permissive. While consistent rules are important, listening to your teen’s arguments and adjusting when it seems reasonable is equally as important. When kids feel heard, and when they are given concessions or amendments to rules when reasonable, they are more likely to adhere to their parents’ expectations. This is not being a pushover parent who concedes in order to avoid conflict, wants to save their child from disappointment or is afraid their child won’t like them. It is being a parent who listens, takes the time to make a thoughtful and reasonable judgment, and trusts that their child, who has shown they are ready, is able to handle the next stretch of the rubber band. As Bronson and Merryman say, this approach allows the “rule-setting process to be respected” and teens will actually divulge more and lie less. 

Be OK with some arguing. While we parents may describe the arguing about limits and boundaries harmful to the relationship, teens actually find it to be productive. This is where they can voice their opinion, learn conflict resolution, hear their parent’s reasonable point of view, and even ease their parent’s fears by showing their parents how capable they really are. When concessions are made, teens can then feel empowered, respected and significant. The message they get is that their parents believe in them. 

Allow natural consequences to play out. Unless morally or physically dangerous, allow the natural consequences of their actions to teach them what they don’t want to be taught from you. Allow your teens appropriate levels of independence once they’ve shown they are able to take responsibility for themselves and their actions.

What might this look like in practice? There may be a special circumstance where you bend their 11 PM curfew until midnight this one time. Or your teen has shown responsibility and you change it altogether. Or approach them first: “You’ve been consistently coming home on time and have shown accountability for your actions. It seems like you might be ready for a later curfew.”

Similarly, if you find your teen is unable to handle the new latitudes they have been given, you can rein it back in: “It seems like you are having a hard time with the later curfew you’ve been given. We’re going to have to make it earlier until you can show us you can take the responsibility to come home on time.”

Understanding and Empathy. As psychologist Leon Seltzer points out, understanding teen development and the rebellious stage most go through can help you meet their needs with calm, care and empathy. Blowing your top will only exacerbate the situation. Hard as it may be, try not to take their words and behavior personally. Take a look inside. Consider what is making you feel the need for such control. Ask where can you trust? Where can you let go? Have you taught your teen the skills she needs to meet the reasonable expectations you have? Is the relationship built upon mutual respect? Can you loosen the reins to allow your teen to grow into the independent capable being that he is? 

Take a leap of faith. Hold limits where essential. Loosen them where you can. You’ll soon find that your teen will emerge from this stage with a sense of confidence in who they are and respect and appreciation for you.

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Studies show that when we give a child a complicated toy without instructions rather than tell them how to use it, the child will find all sorts of possibilities in that toy rather than play with it in some predetermined way. If we provide our children and teens with a garden and allow growth to occur rather than a set of carpenter’s plans that tell them how to build, possibility blossoms.

In this week’s column I invite you to shift your focus from the worry about your kids to their potential. Which wolf will you feed? Feed them with creativity and possibility rather than fear, worry and anxiety. Rather than orchestrating every outcome, see her as an individual with the universe inside her. 

As Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young sing: 
“We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon,
​And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.” 

Read on to discover the garden.

Oh the possibility!
JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:
Children are born with a universe of possibilities inside them. These little beings come into the world with their own temperaments and personalities that will develop based on their own innate characteristics and their relationship to the world around them. Different circumstances, environments and how the world responds to them will influence who they become. Some are born into more fortunate circumstances than others, yet it is all a host of possibilities that is inside.

We see the possibility as we look into a newborn’s eyes; as we marvel at the wonder our toddlers see; as we are filled with joy when we spend meaningful time with our children or teens. 

And then the stressors of life come rolling in. We have to work, pay the bills, maintain a family. Through all this, there are times we feel challenged by our kids and it feels hard. Our toddlers aren’t able to do what we ask and we have to be at work on time. Our tween gives us sass because she is trying to become her own independent person and doesn’t know how to do it with grace. Our teen pushes a safety boundary because he is wired toward taking risks. We want things to happen like they do in our adult world and we are living with kids who haven’t gotten there yet. 

In addition to all this, fears can come creeping in. Who will my child be? Will they be OK? Am I giving them what they need? These fears influence how we respond. We feel confused or hurt, get angry, and find ourselves fighting with our kids.

And sometimes we forget that what they are – what we all are – is a host of possibilities. 

I have to admit that I have fallen into the carpenter mode of being a parent – and talking about being a parent for that matter. In her book The Gardener and the Carpenter, professor Alison Gopnik talks about a parent as a “carpenter” who thinks their child can be molded: "The idea is that if you just do the right things, get the right skills, read the right books, you're going to be able to shape your child into a particular kind of adult." It’s as if we could, like a carpenter, create a set of plans, put all the pieces together in the right places and shape our children into adults who end up with a desirable set of character traits.

While we may think it’s our job to steer our children and teens, more it might be to provide opportunities and bear witness to what unfolds. With this in mind, Gopnik also talks about a parent as a “gardener” who provides a safe and nurturing environment. Rather than worrying about and trying to control who the child will become, we let them explore and investigate, fall down and get back up and discover what works for them and who they want to be. Rather than worry about who they will be, we revel in who they are right now.

“You can’t tell people what to be, I’m afraid. ... You can only love and support who they already are,” says a character in Laurie Frankel’s novel “This Is How It Always Is.” Sometimes I feel I need this pasted on my bathroom mirror.

I don’t know about you, but I can have a lot of concern about my kids. While it’s not that I directly tell them what to be, it may be that my sometimes subtle messages and tone of voice that conveys approval or disapproval may be telling them who they are and what they are doing is not OK or doesn’t meet my ideals. I attempt to mold and shape and criticize and direct all in the name of protecting them and helping them get to the place where they will turn out OK. Yet it doesn’t allow them to be who they are and discover their own path. And, as another of Frankel’s characters says, it can sound as if I am saying, “Act this way, behave this way, deny yourself, or you’ll lose my love.” Or end up unhappy — or whatever it is for you.

For example, rather than worrying about your kids tuning out on digital devices, can you go back to seeing them for who they really are: sparks of light and joy and fun and potential? The idea is this: Dive in with your kids about why they feel like they need that outlet for hours of the day. Investigate with them what makes it so compelling. Ask them when they feel the most happy, and when they feel the least.  Explore with them other options. Provide the garden.

Can we think of it as our job to teach our kids skills that prepare them for the outside world instead of shaping who they are? We can embody our values and let our children soak them up and mix them around and come out the other side with their own.

Yes, it's OK to set limits, ask for kind behavior and teach your kids to contribute in the house. But, as Gopnik says, “what ends up happening is parents are so preoccupied with this hopeless task of shaping their children to come out a particular way that their relationships with children at the moment become clouded over with guilt and anxiety and worry.” 

I invite you to take a step back. Take a deep breath. Trust that all is well, and all will be OK. Yes, there will be bumps in the road and hard times and you may want to throw your hands up in exasperation or slump onto the floor and cry. And then go back to trust. Believe in the possibility. Believe that your children will turn out to be who they are. Provide the space. The protection. The humility. The kindness. The understanding. The forgiveness. The teaching. The love. The possibility.

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“My ten year old acts as if he can't get himself out of bed in the morning even though he can and has for years. He gives up after minutes of attempting his homework. And he shies away from trying anything new. ”

“When I ask my five year old to pick up her belongings, she whines, drops what she is carrying, can't seem to put her things away, and ends up crying as if this was the hardest job in the world.”

“My 15 year old refuses to look for a job. They lie around the house, are absorbed in their phone and act as if I’m the worst parent for asking them to help around the house.”

“As the parent, I’ve tried everything and I don’t know what to do!” 

In my Nov 3 column in Jackson Hole News & Guide I write about kids who shrink away from or avoid life’s tasks. If you have a child or teen like this, they may be operating from the mistaken goal of “avoidance” or “assumed inadequacy”. How you know if your child is operating from this goal rather than one of the other three mistaken goals (attention, power or revenge) is that you, the parent, feel helpless or hopeless. As much as you’ve tried you have no idea how to help this child overcome their fears of attempting the task in front of them.

Children like this are convinced of their own inadequacy and inability to succeed to the extent that they work to convince those around them of this too. They shrink, give up, refuse, retreat or complain. Their protests and lack of motivation can be so frustrating to parents that we end up giving up and often do the task for them – we enable and we rescue. Our children’s lack of belief in themselves eventually trickles over to our lack of belief in them (and sometimes it’s hard to know which came first).

As Vicki Hoefle  says, what this child really believes is “I don’t believe I can, so I will convince others not to expect anything of me; I can't do anything right so I won’t try, and my failures won’t be so obvious.”
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What these kids need is a sense of courage. And they may need our help to develop it. Read on to learn more!

Instill courage in kids who avoid life's tasks
JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:
Do you have a child or teen who seems unable to complete any sort of reasonable task requested of her? This is a kid who acts as if he is incapable of anything – getting out of bed in the morning, attending to basic self care, putting his gear away or helping around the house – and melts down at the smallest of challenges. They never seem to know how to do their homework, shrink back from attempting anything out of their comfort zone or are afraid to try something new. They may lie on the couch, mope around the house or shut themselves in their rooms disengaging from life.

These are kids we may label as lazy, incapable, self-centered, unmotivated, entitled or disconnected. As parents we may feel helpless or hopeless. We may feel like after so many failed attempts to help there is nothing else we can do, so we give up. We have no idea how to get through to them.

When looking at children and teens like this through the lens of the mistaken goals, as introduced in my April 14, 2021 column, kids who appear to be helpless, feel inadequate and ask their parents to do even simple tasks for them are working from the mistaken goal of “avoidance” or “assumed inadequacy”. Children like this are convinced of their own inadequacy and inability to succeed to the extent that they work to convince those around them of this too. This inability to feel good enough leads them to avoid any and all tasks because they have convinced themselves that they will fail. Their fear of failure and of the world discovering their ineptitude is so strong that they protect themselves by not even trying. 

What kids who avoid and feel inadequate need is a strong sense of courage, one of the  Crucial C’s discussed in my Feb 24, 2021 column. They need our encouragement: a sense that we believe in them, see their value and that they belong. They need us to read behind their behavior and see that what they are really trying to say is, “Have faith in me. Help me develop courage. Don’t give up!” Afterall, as psychologists Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner say, their “failure to accomplish usually comes from a fear of failure, not laziness.”

Of course there may be other factors at play. Learning differences, depression and anxiety, social challenges, past and present trauma, self-perception, and having a fixed mindset can all play a role and may warrant professional help. These factors may all lead to or stem from experiences that kids see as presenting impossible obstacles that they feel incapable of surmounting. With this viewpoint, whether a child or teen is operating from the mistaken goal of assumed inadequacy or there are other factors at play, some of the solution may be the same. 

These kids need strategies for building courage:

Encourage experiences where success is likely. Help your child or teen find areas where they can discover their abilities. Let them work at levels where they feel adequate. Divide larger tasks into smaller more manageable steps with benchmarks to indicate progress. With successes, your child may be more willing to try incrementally harder tasks.

Don’t buy in. Our kids need us to believe in them before they give us any reason to. Don’t buy into their helplessness, don’t enable and don’t rescue. Allow them to work through the challenges with support, and don’t do the job for them. 

Take time for training. If the task is too daunting or beyond the child’s abilities, they need to be taught some skills. Use the four step approach of 1) do the job for the child, 2) do the job with the child’s help, 3) allow the child to do the job with your help as needed, and 4) send the child off to do the job independently.

Don't demand perfection. Acknowledge a job done even if it isn’t done perfectly to your standards. The more you pay attention to the positive rather than the negative, the more likely your child will want to continue doing the task.

Encourage. Recognize any effort or small improvement to all members of the family without singling out this child. Say things like, “I have faith you can figure this out. I’m here for support if you need it”. Or, “It seemed like your homework didn’t cause you too much trouble today. What made it easier?” 

Allow for mistakes. The world is full of mistakes. Celebrate them. They are how we learn. Use Brene Brown’s idea of FFT (F’ing First Time) – normalize that we aren’t going to crush a new task the first time if we’ve never done it before.

Teach positive self talk and learn about a growth mindset. Listen to how this child talks to herself. Correct him if he uses negative statements about himself. Remind them that it’s just that they haven’t learned how to do this thing “yet”.

Hold limits where appropriate. This may sound counterintuitive, but if we overlook misbehavior we may be sending the message that we don’t think our kids can handle holding them responsible for their actions. Similarly, barring safety concerns, we don't want to rescue them from uncomfortable consequences of their actions. The idea is that we want to avoid giving debilitating help.

Children who are operating under the idea of assumed inadequacy need your support. Spend quality time with them, notice the positive, and avoid criticism. At the same time encourage opportunities for them to overcome challenges in incremental ways. Hold them accountable, allow for mistakes, and make sure they know you believe in them. Courage builds upon itself. Once we find success in one area it can translate to a whole host of others and open up a world of possibilities along the way.

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Children seek extra attention as a way to connect
JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:

You know you have an attention-seeking child if you have a child who always interrupts you when you are on the phone, picks on siblings when you are busy, wants to play when you are working or cooking, is always forgetting things, becomes mischievous or doesn’t follow through on agreements or constantly asks “why?” You find yourself repeatedly nagging, reminding or otherwise engaging.
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Attention-seeking children keep us busy with them by requiring that we repeat ourselves several times in order to get them to complete a task or come back even when we have told them “not now.”

​What do we do? We say, “In a few minutes,” we answer the incessant questions or we find ourselves continuously breaking up sibling fights. Our repeated responses, even if negative, are actually giving the child what he or she wants — our attention — and thus reinforcing the misbehavior. It can leave us feeling frustrated or annoyed by the repetitive demands.

There are two kinds of attention: positive and negative. Children may be a high-attention-needs kids if (1) they have become accustomed to having your frequent attention and have developed the idea that they need your attention in order to feel significant, or (2) they don’t get enough of your positive attention, so they resort to negative behaviors to get the attention they feel they are lacking with the idea that negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Children need our attention. Receiving attention and being noticed feels good, gives children a sense of belonging and helps them feel connected. We want our children to know they belong for who they are and for their contributions, participation and cooperation in the family, not from keeping us constantly engaged with them. While children might want our full-time attention, it is not realistic or appropriate for parents to give this kind of attention 24-7.

The need for attention becomes challenging when this attention is the only place from which a person derives his or her self-worth. It can go to the extreme to where children may begin to believe that they have a place in their family only if they are being noticed or if they keep others busy with them. That is the mistaken goal of desiring undue or extraordinary attention, as introduced in my April 14 column.

Parents who have high-attention needs-children come to me baffled: “But I give my child attention all the time!”

We have to understand that these children have developed a misguided belief that their worth and ability to belong comes from this attention, so they want more of it. Whatever we give is never enough.

Rather, we want our children and teens to know that they are important even if we are engaged in something else. We want them to feel securely connected through our unconditional love and through their ability to find belonging through cooperation, participation and contributing to the family.

So, what do we do if we find ourselves living with a child who has developed the mistaken goal of seeking extraordinary or negative attention?

First, decode the message they are sending. These children are not being bad kids. Rather, their hidden messages are, “Notice me. Involve me in something useful” and “I want to connect. Catch me being good.”

What we want to do is pay attention to our children’s positive, cooperative and productive behavior. To do this we have to allow space for these situations: Carve out time to engage in child-directed activities or stop what you are doing to make eye contact and really listen.

For example as Dr. Richard Dreikurs says in his book “Children: The Challenge,” if our kids’ “quiet moments of constructive play brought a warm smile, a pleased hug and a [word of acknowledgement], they would be less inclined to get our attention through disturbing behavior.”
At the same time begin to quietly ignore the negative attention seeking behavior and create limits around their demands: “I know that you want me to play with you. I am busy now. If you can be patient and play by yourself for 10 minutes, I’ll be able to spend some time with you then.”

If your children are used to you giving into their attention seeking demands, this may be hard for them at first. They may demand your attention louder. They may cry, whine or find mischief. But if you remain firm and kind, soon your kids will find other, and perhaps with some teaching, more useful behavior that meets their needs for connection and belonging.

Our natural anger and frustration at their incessant demands for our attention only make things worse.

What we need to do is notice our children and involve them usefully. Connect through play, a shared activity, making family plans or cooking a meal. Bring them into household responsibilities. Give positive attention, schedule time together, appreciate the big and little things your children do, recognize strengths and talents by asking them to teach you about one of their interests, and accept your children for who they are.

Working with a high-attention-needs child can be challenging, and of course there are nuances and various perspectives about what course to take. There is no prescribed formula. Every child and every situation is different. That’s why it is important to look at the needs of every situation, including the needs of yourself and your child, before you move forward. Sometimes our children’s bids for attention are a matter of needing to learn skills or work through challenging emotions or of being exhausted at the end of the day.
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If you would like to discuss this more and talk about what this means for your situation, please join the Parent Talk discussion June 1 at 6 p.m. (find info at GrowingGreatFamilies.org) or schedule a coaching call with me at fees that work for your individual budget.

 Thanks to Amy Lew, Ph.D., for inspiration for this column.

Dear Parents and Caregivers,

I’ve recently picked up child psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs’ book “Children: The Challenge”. It’s a classic and some of the examples are outdated yet the philosophy about what children need and what motivates their behavior is so right on. It is this philosophy, originally developed by psychologist Alfred Adler, that is the foundation for many parenting programs including Vicki Hoefle’s work and “Positive Discipline”.

The idea is that all human behavior has a purpose and that purpose is to attain some sort of goal. We are social beings, and as such our ultimate goal is to feel a sense of belonging and significance within our immediate group (the first of which is our family). As such a child’s behavior is a means to attain the basic goal of feeling they belong and finding their place in the family.

Through trial and error and by trying on different behaviors children decide which behavior works to get their needs met. As Dreikurs says, children will “repeat the behavior that gives them a sense of having a place in their family and abandon that which makes them feel left out”. If productive behaviors don’t give them this sense, they will try on “misbehaviors” to see if this new way of acting gives them a better sense of belonging.
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Interested in understanding more about how this works? Read on!

A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:

“My child needs my attention 24-7.” 
“Every interaction with my child ends up in a power struggle.”
“There is so much disrespect in our relationship.”
“My child has given up and won't even try.”
 
In my Feb 24 column I talked about how behaviors are goal directed – they are attempts to get certain needs met. These needs can be summarized by the Crucial C’s as stated by authors Amy Lew, Ph.D. and Betty Lou Bettner, Ph.D. as "connection to others, to be capable of a degree of independence, to count as a member of the family and the community, and to find the courage to meet life's demands and seize its opportunities." 

Children will try various behaviors to get these needs met. 

When they try out constructive behaviors (asking for help, wanting to do things on their own, kindly stating their opinion) and their needs are met (parents pay attention, allow independence, give their children a say), then these behaviors will become part of their life’s strategies and how they interact with others.

However, if children’s needs don’t get met through constructive behaviors, for example if their efforts are met with criticism, lack of respect or dismissal, children will often feel discouraged and try out “misbehaviors.” A child may begin to whine, engage in power struggles or defy agreements in order to feel connected, capable or that they count. While it may sound counterintuitive, sometimes these misbehaviors, which are based on the child’s mistaken belief about how to achieve the Crucial C’s, do meet the child’s needs. These behaviors then become part of a child’s strategies and how they interact with others.

There are four mistaken goals of behavior that correspond with the Crucial C’s:

Attention. Children who don’t feel connected will often seek out undue attention in order to feel that they belong. Their mistaken belief is “I belong only when I have your attention. These are the children who are always needy, occupying every minute of your time.

Power. Children who don’t feel capable and are not given the chance to independently take care of themselves and contribute to their first community (their family) may feel inadequate and begin using power as a way to feel capable. Their mistaken belief is “I belong only when I’m the boss, or when I won’t let you boss me around.” Their power comes from the feeling that “You can’t make me!” They may seek control over themselves, others, or the situation at hand.

Revenge. Children who don’t feel that they count or matter, often feel hurt and insignificant. These are children whose efforts go unnoticed, or may not feel needed or liked. They may feel so hurt that they try to get revenge by hurting others. Their mistaken belief is “I don’t belong. I knew you were against me. At least I can hurt back.”

Avoidance. Children who don’t have courage often feel they are not good enough. This feeling of being inferior can lead them to avoid. This can show up as assumed inadequacy or helplessness. Their mistaken belief is “It is impossible to belong. I can’t do anything right. I might as well give up.” These are the children who give up, shrink back up or don’t want to try. Their thought is that it is better to not even try so no one sees their inabilities.

It’s important to note that sometimes our children’s physical and emotional development and brain maturity isn't quite there for them to use productive behaviors to get their needs met. Sometimes they don’t have the skills to ask politely, control their impulses and regulate their emotions. Sometimes they don’t have the knowledge of what appropriate behavior is in a certain situation. This is when we have to be really aware of what our responses to our children’s challenges are teaching them. Are we modeling the behavior we want to see, connecting with our children empathetically and teaching skills? Or are we responding with anger, punishment, criticism or shame and thus discouraging our children which may lead them toward the need for misbehavior? 

If we go by the theory that “a misbehaving child is a discouraged child” as psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs writes in his book “Children the Challenge,” what we need to do is investigate where the discouragement lies. Which Crucial C is my child not feeling? What is my child’s belief, or even mistaken belief, behind the behavior? How do my responses contribute to his belief? How can I encourage my child and help her develop a more positive belief about herself?

In my next four columns spaced at 6-week intervals I will dive into these mistaken beliefs in more detail using concrete examples, giving ideas about how to encourage the discouraged child toward behavior that gets their needs met in a more productive way. 

If you would like to discuss these ideas in more depth, join me for my “Parent Talk” discussion group via Zoom at 6pm on April 21. Find details here.

Rachel would like to thank Amy Lew, Ph.D., and her book “A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Motivating Children” for inspiration for this column.

Parents often come to me baffled by why their children are behaving a certain way. Rightly so. The hitting, screaming, whining, vies for attention, snarky responses, disrespectful attitude or defiance. We are good parents. We take care of our children, love them and give them what they need. Why do they get so upset or treat us so poorly?

There is a purpose for or reason behind every behavior, and it's often an attempt to reach some sort of goal. The first step in working with your child or teen's challenging behavior is what I call becoming a "behavior detective" – understanding where that behavior is coming from.

The topic of behavior development can be complicated and by no means will I be able to cover it all here, but in general a child’s behavior develops from a few simple places: genetics, brain development, interaction with others and the environment around you, and an attempt to get certain essential needs met.

In my most recent column I talk about behavior as developing in a social context – within the relationships we have in our families. It develops as a result of how we are responded to, what others believe about us and the strategies we use to get certain crucial needs met. 

Read more below from my Feb 24, 2021 column in the Jackson Hole News & Guide. 
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Be well, go hug your kids, and take good care of yourselves and others. 
With love and faith in you,
Rachel

Behavior Development and the Crucial C's
JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:
Whining. Disrespect. A snarky attitude. Not listening. The list can go on. Sometimes it can be hard to understand where a child’s behavior is coming from. 

A child’s behavior often develops in a cause and effect relationship with their parents or caregivers. The cause is the child’s behavior. The effect is the parent’s response. If this response is consistent, the child soon learns that if I do X, then Y will happen. If Y is something the child desires, then they will continue to do X in order to get what they want. However, if Y is not what they desire, they will soon stop doing X. 

Let’s use the classic example of a whining child. Child whines and parents do one of two things: parents either respond by giving the child what they are asking for, or parents will say, “stop whining”; “use your big boy voice”, or “I can't hear you when you talk like that”. Either way, child gets a desired outcome – parent’s attention. What if parent didn’t respond at all? Child whines and parent keeps doing what they were doing or acts like they didn’t hear the child. Parent simply ignores and moves on. This may sound a little harsh at first, yet hear me out. 

Child may get confused. Whining has always worked in the past, why isn’t mom or dad responding? So child may whine harder and louder to get parent’s attention. But you, the parent, are committed and won’t be broken. The whining is hard on your ears and has an impact on your relationship with your child since you end up frequently frustrated. Thus you stay calm and move on to something else. Then suddenly, at some point, out of nowhere your child asks for your attention using a clear, kind and normal voice. What do you do? You drop everything and give your child attention immediately. “Ah”, thinks the child, “this is what I want - mom or dad”. And if this pattern continues child will soon learn that using a regular voice (X) gets me what I want – mom or dad (Y). To confirm this you may note that your child does not whine at school, because the teacher does not respond to the whining – the child knows the strategy of whining to get attention only works with her parents.

This is what it’s about. Behaviors are strategies we all use to get our needs met. As psychologist Alfred Adler puts it, behaviors develop as a result of how we are responded to by others in our world. As a child these “others” are typically our parents or immediate caregivers. Psychologist Amy Lew has described it like this: as a child when we are born into a family, it’s as if we are born onto a stage and we are trying to figure out our role in the play without a script. We look to the other actors to determine our lines. We wonder if we are an understudy or if we are in the spotlight. We determine our role based on how we are responded to, our relationship with the other actors, and how we feel the others think about us.

Behaviors are thus directed by the goal to get certain needs met. If we can achieve this goal, we feel capable. We feel good that we can do something that takes care of our needs. We have a positive outlook of ourselves. If we can't achieve our goal of meeting these needs, we may become discouraged. This is where misbehavior can emerge as the child uses other means to meet their goal.

What are these needs – the goals that children are trying to achieve? Many will describe them using different words but they all boil down to the same thing. Using psychologists Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner’s “Crucial C’s”, “all human beings strive to fulfill their needs to be connected to others, to be capable of a degree of independence, to count as a member of the family and the community, and to find the courage to meet life’s demands and seize its opportunities.”  

Connected. We all need to feel that we are loved and accepted for who we are, that we are safe and secure and that we belong. This is not just a psychological need, it is also a physical need. As a young child we cannot survive unless we are connected to a capable adult. As children we will try different ways to relate to others and find the connection we need, and these strategies become part of our behavior.
Capable. We all need to believe that we are competent human beings, capable of taking care of ourselves and the world around us. We need to feel that we have efficacy – that we can enact change, meet our goals and create a desired result. As children we have an innate desire to strive for independence. The strategies we use to move toward becoming a capable and independent adult become part of our behavior.

Count. We all need to know that we are significant, that we are valued and that we matter. We need others around us to notice that we make a difference. As children, the attempts we make to feel valued, and whether or not we feel like we count to those around us, will impact our behavior. 

Courage. We all need to feel that we can overcome challenges, that we have the courage to get up from a fall, that we can solve problems, and at times, tackle things that we don’t necessarily enjoy. Life is filled with challenge and risk, trial and error. Whether or not we have the courage in ourselves and the belief of others in our abilities plays a role in how we behave.

Yes, there are other factors that impact our children’s behaviors. Genetics, brain development, feeling tired or stressed and societal impacts all play a role. Yet we are social beings developing in a social context and we cannot separate our development from our relationship with those around us.

So whether you are raising a toddler or a teen, start thinking about the cause and effect of your interaction with them. Does how you respond bring about a desired effect or behavior (the Y)? If not, how can you switch things up?
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If you are interested in diving deeper into these ideas, join me and other parents on my periodic “Parent Talk'' discussion group. Find more here.

Dear Parents and Caregivers,
Happy New Year! 

As 2021 rolled in I realized that I’ve written over 30 pieces for Jackson Hole News & Guide’s “Parent Talk” column. When I started writing I originally intended to write in a linear fashion where topics about child behavior and raising kids built upon one another. However, as I began to write, ideas came in that didn’t necessarily flow linearly. My work with parents would bring up new ideas to write about, and it seemed vitally important to begin discussions on current events such as the college admissions scandal (see my five part series on that subject found here and here), a deadly pandemic (see my columns on parenting during the coronavirus the impacts of school closures, living in lockdown and a parents role in hybrid learning), or racial injustice and the Black Lives Matter protests (see columns on having open family conversations about antiracism and specifics on how to talk to your children about race). 

These topics continue to be important, and I’m sure these and new events will compel me to write. Yet now as the new year begins I’m also feeling drawn toward examining important ideas about the development of adolescent and child behavior and the parent-child relationship in a more linear progression.

I believe so strongly in our role as parents in helping our children grow into healthy adults in a way that gives them the tools to not only weather and rise up from society's challenges but to also take action, create change and make the world a better place. In order to do this it helps to start with a foundation. 

Read this week’s column in Jackson Hole News & Guide where I ask you to start with a vision of what you want for your family and give you specific exercises to think about. I go on to explain where I intend to head with future columns. Notably I’ll be offering a monthly virtual discussion group that parallels each column. You can find details and register on my website here. The first discussion will be held on January 27.​ 

Be well, go hug your kids, and take good care of yourselves and others. 
With love and faith in you,
Rachel

Parent with Intention in the New Year
JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE:

​To many, a new year signifies a new beginning – a fresh start. We do this for our work and personal lives when we create resolutions. Why not consider this for our families and how we raise our children?

Parenting with a vision in mind can be hard and in the long run has great benefits. 

We all see behaviors in our children that can raise our tempers – whining, disrespect, extended screen use, defiance, not following directions, and so on. It can be helpful to ask ourselves whether or not our strategies for working with these behaviors are effective. In other words, do we see the behavior diminishing? If the answer is no, it is often a sign that what we are doing isn’t working. (As I say this, I want to acknowledge that there are times that parents feel like they are barely surviving and behaviors may develop from factors that we have little control over such as social isolation, homeschooling during a pandemic and stressful times like we are currently experiencing).

In this new year I invite you to try the following exercise as a means of being intentional in getting more of what you want in your family life.

First start with who you want your children to be. For example you might hope your child develops into a kind, responsible person who has strong self-esteem and knows how to take care of themselves. Keeping in mind that we can’t force our children into anything – we can only guide and influence – make a list of the qualities you would like to see in your children that match your values. 

Second, given that discipline actually means to teach, ask yourself what it is you want to be teaching your children. Often the qualities you hope your children develop and what you hope you are teaching are very similar. For example, you might want your child to learn to make good decisions, to not interrupt when you are doing something important, to think about the consequences of their actions, to pick up after themselves, to manage their own bedtime and morning routines, or whatever small thing it is in the moment of a particular interaction. Make this list too.

Now put yourself in your children’s shoes – do you think they are learning what you want to be teaching? Are your responses truly teaching your children what you want them to learn? Make a third list of how you tend to respond to your children during times of “misbehavior”, when your blood is about to boil, or when your kids aren’t doing what you want.

Looking at this list, you might find that you have positive strategies of connecting, empathizing, working through problems or ignoring the pesky behaviors. If you are like most of us, myself included, you might also have strategies that aren't as constructive. Some of our go to strategies are often used because we don't know what else to do, because we are tired or rushed or frustrated, or because we just want the behavior to stop. This is all very normal – especially during challenging times such as these. 

When your reserves feel strong and you feel up to the task, ask yourself if strategies such as bribing, threatening, yelling, punishing, nagging, reminding or criticizing actually get you to where you want to be. Are these strategies teaching what you want to be teaching or developing the qualities in your children you hope for? And importantly, do they work for the long term? Are you seeing a change in behavior – or does the behavior only temporarily stop and then come back again in a day or two?

For example, can we teach a child not to hit if we hit them? Are we teaching a child how to manage their anger if we yell? If our child whines or interrupts and we give them attention by telling them to stop whining or interrupting, are we teaching them to stop those behaviors? 

Lastly, using author Vicki Hoefle’s exercise, think about who you want to be as a parent and how you want your children to describe you when they are 30 years old? Would your current interactions with your kids during times of challenge get them to your ideals? You can think about this in terms of how you were raised and how you would describe your parents to a close friend. While parents describe their own parents to me with love, affection and appreciation, they also talk about their parents as being critical, perfectionistic, not present, needing control, worrying too much or disregarding their opinions, for example. 

I encourage you to sit down and really write out these lists. The idea is to consider whether what you are doing is getting you and your family to where you want to be. Is it getting you to more of what you want – the strong relationship, the ease of getting along and the ability to compromise, see the other side and cooperatively problem solve – in other words more harmony?

Over my next several columns, which come in six-week intervals, I’ll be talking about changing things up so you can get more of what you want. The first step is to start defining what you want – so get out paper or poster board and start your visioning process! 

I’ll start from ground zero – the hows and whys of child behavior: where does a child’s behavior come from, how does it develop, and what do children and teens need in order to develop into thriving adults. And then we’ll go on to discuss what this looks like in daily interactions using real life examples (so send me your questions and scenarios). I’ll give you ideas and exercises along the way.  What I plan on discussing is applicable for parents of all age children – toddler through teen. 

To this end, I invite you to join me in a monthly Zoom discussion group. Topics will parallel those of my column and you’ll be able to get insights into how these ideas apply to your personal family dynamics (find details at www.GrowingGreatFamilies.org).

Thanks to Amy Lew, Ph.D., and the books she co-authored from Connections Press for inspiration for this column. Rachel offers individual and group parent coaching sessions at rates that work for individual family budgets. You can find her at www.GrowingGreatFamilies.org.

JACKSON HOLE NEWS & GUIDE: “What is my role as a parent in supporting my child’s at-home learning?” This is one of the biggest questions I’m hearing from parents.

The scenario is often a derivation of something like this: My son is having a hard time turning in his assignments. My daughter is on her device all the time – even during Zoom class. My child isn’t motivated. They aren’t engaged. They are in their room all the time. Their grades are suffering. They have stopped showing up for online school.

Parents then wisely ask the question, “Do I constantly monitor my child’s school work and dictate when and how they do it, or do I make it clear that it is their responsibility and let them fail at times?” They go on to acknowledge that the intervening and micromanaging lead to power struggles and a rift in the relationship.

What’s a parent to do?

When I ask parents who they want their kids to be as learners they say they want them to be self-driven, independent, motivated learners who take responsibility and find interest in their learning. Of course this isn’t going to happen for every assignment and every student, but you get the gist.

Yet if we are highly involved in our kids’ school work by telling them how and when to do it, it is hard for them to develop the skills necessary to become that self-driven learner. Our involvement also sends them the message that we don’t trust they can do it on their own.

On the other hand, we can’t bear to see our kids fail. We fear that if we do step back our kids won’t take on any of the responsibility themselves.

There is a middle ground. It's a gradual approach and you have to be willing to accept a few steps back and some turbulent waters before you see results.

It’s OK to say to your kids, “I’ve noticed lately that it’s hard for you to get your school work done… that you don’t seem motivated… that you are on your device and distracted a lot…” or whatever it is in your home. 

Then validate what life has been like for them. Let your child know you understand what a tough situation this is. Home alone, no friends around to make school fun, and being asked to complete school work that may not be motivating.

Tell your kids, “I don’t want to be nagging and micromanaging you anymore. It’s not fun for me, it’s not good for our relationship, and I’m sure you don’t like it either. So what are we going to do?”

Then ask them questions and help them problem solve. “What has been working for you? When do you feel the most motivated? What are the challenges? What goals or expectations do you have for yourself? What do you think will happen if you don’t do your work? Do you really want to fail this class or repeat this grade while all your friends move on? Is there a system that you can come up with that will work for you? How would you like me to be involved? Where can I support?”

Give your kids a few days to think about this and schedule a time to come back and talk. And then leave them alone. Follow through with what you said about not nagging. Your fingernails may be bitten down to the end, but do what it takes to give them their space. 

If they’ve asked for your support, then by all means give it – while acknowledging that the system they come up with may not be the one you had in mind. Let them try their system for a week then come back and reevaluate. Acknowledge all the positives. This is so important! We spend too much time on what is not working. We need to flip the scale.

If the system isn't working, go back to the drawing board. It’s OK to have limits and boundaries – especially when it comes to tech use – and it works even better if you can involve your child in creating them. You can bring the child’s goal into this: “I know your goal was to finish all your school work by 5pm, but it seems like time on your device is preventing you from doing that. How do you want to solve this problem?” If they can’t come up with their own limit, it is OK to create one yourself.
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Here’s why it’s important to back off: Much of your child’s behavior might be about the power struggle. From age 2 to 22 our kids are striving for increasing autonomy and independence. They need to have a sense of control over their own lives where they feel they can act upon the world and have impact on their own lives. If they haven’t been given this chance they are going to fight back. So drop it from your side. Give them the space and time to rise to the occasion on their own all while handing off more and more responsibility to them in other areas of their lives (self-care, contributions in the home or community, etc.).

When you back off you are giving your kids ownership. You are showing them you believe that they can solve their problem on their own. Your belief in them is the foundation for their belief in themselves. 

Go slow - your kids might not want to talk with you about any of this if they are used to the conversation ending up in nagging and power struggles. They may need time to trust that you aren’t going to jump down their throats about what they are doing wrong every time this subject comes up.

Will our kids fail sometimes in this process? Yes. And they will learn how to pick themselves back up. I know the stakes seem high when it comes to school and grades. And our job as parents is to teach our kids while they are still in our homes to navigate the world independently. This learning will come with some setbacks, but the results are worth it. Be patient, set up agreed-upon boundaries at first, then gradually let go.

Our kids need to know we believe in them. They need to know they are capable. It is our job to give them these opportunities so have faith that while things may get messy in this process you are teaching your kids invaluable skills and fostering an inner strength that will last a lifetime.

Dear Parents and Caregivers,
There were times when my kids were little when I would find myself, hands in the air, looking toward the sky and thinking “I have no idea what to do in this moment” as if I were asking for divine intervention to swoop down and wave its magic wand to create the peace I so deeply desired.

Yes, parenting did not come easy to me. I loved my kids to death – and continue to – and I found loads of joy in being with them, but when the you-know-what hit the fan and emotions were raging, all I wanted was calm, rationality and control. I was at a loss. A complete loss. There were moments when I hated how my children and I interacted – the tantrums, the high emotions, the bedtime battles, the neediness – and my lack of ability to deal with it all effectively. 

As I wrote in my previous column, parental burnout is real, and I imagine there were times when I was there. I knew I needed help – I wanted help – but I didn't know how to ask, where to look, and I was afraid anyone I talked to wouldn't be able to talk to me in a way that aligned with my thoughts on parenting. So I struggled – and worked really hard to figure it out on my own. But I lost a lot of good time with my children, which could have been avoided if I had gotten help.

Don’t make the mistake I made. As I write in last week's Jackson Hole News & Guide, you don’t need to suffer through challenged family dynamics. Asking for parenting support in no way means you are a bad parent – rather the contrary – it means you care enough to take the time to work on things that don’t feel right. You and your children will benefit. Time is precious with our children – and so are you!

Be well, go hug your kids, and take good care of yourselves and others. 

With love and faith in you,
Rachel
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Parenting is tough; it's OK to ask for help
JACKSON HOLE NEWS & GUIDE:
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I’ve worked with a few families over the years who’ve told me they waited a year to finally call me and ask for support. When I asked them why it had taken them so long to pick up the phone, they said family life had finally gotten really challenging. It made me wonder: why do we wait to ask for help?

Parenting feels especially hard for many of us right now. The world has become a more and more complicated landscape in which to raise children. In normal times, let alone during a pandemic, so many aspects of parenting – managing the household, childcare, differing schedules, work, various behaviors and everyone’s emotions – can be psychologically exhausting.

Yet we don't ask for help. 

Very few of us come into raising children with a degree in psychology or child development. All we know is that our kids refuse to get into the car and we've got an 8:00 meeting we have to get to and we'll do whatever it takes to get them buckled in so we can get to work on time. And often that involves a tactic that leaves us feeling undermined, angry, exhausted or just plain sad.

Why is it we don’t ask for help?

We believe we’re supposed to know what to do. We feel like failures if there are challenges in our family lives that we don't know how to manage. Parents have been raising children for generations – shouldn't this come naturally to us?

Yet parenting is complicated – and it’s messy. As we seek to prepare our children to enter this increasingly complicated world, and as we continue to understand the neuroscience of the developing brain, parenting roles and ideas have shifted. We were given a manual to learn how to drive, but no one handed out the manual telling us how to calmly remove the digital device from our screaming 6-year or coax our angry teen into spending time with us. Our children’s behaviors can seem irrational and can trigger our strong reactions, and we are inundated by often conflicting advice from every angle. It is normal to not know how to respond in every situation. 

We don’t feel we can carve out the time. Life is busy. Sometimes we don’t feel like we have an extra second for anything. We don’t have the time to intentionally work out solutions with our children or attend a parenting class because we are frantically trying to take care of everything else, put out fires and keep the peace. 

Yet sometimes taking a step back to get help with new strategies and ways of responding, creating routines and systems with our children, or taking time to problem solve issues in relationships can actually save time in the long run, bring a lighter atmosphere into the home and prevent some of the fires from igniting in the first place.

Sometimes it takes a shifting of priorities: Perhaps let go of the condition of the house or have cereal for dinner so you can take a walk with a trusted friend or create a workable morning routine with your children.

We live in a society that prides itself on self-sufficiency and independence. As such, asking for help is perceived as a weakness. As in other aspects of our lives we believe if we just work harder, plan more and do the background research we can be successful and well respected. 

“Yet,” an article in HuffPost says, “when self-sufficiency is taken to the extreme, the burden of too much responsibility can cause stress, unrealistic expectations, lack of self acceptance and no acknowledgment of personal needs…..and in our society the bar continually gets higher and the risk of burnout is huge”.

This belief that we should be able solve our problems on our own leads us to pushing off asking for help until the point where we are really suffering. 

If you are struggling – or even if if you’re not but feel like some fine tuning could help – but are afraid to reach out, try using author Peggy Collins “ACT Formula”:

A – What are you afraid of? What is preventing you from asking for help? Fear of rejection? Appearing vulnerable? Surrender of power?
C – Let go of feeling you have to control everything and that asking feels like giving up that control.
T – Learn to trust yourself enough to reach out and take a chance that you can trust someone else.”

What does help look like? 
Help can come in different forms. Figure out what works for you and don't be afraid to ask for it. Find a community of parents to talk to. Ask a friend to swap childcare so you can take care of yourself. Talk to your partner about balancing out the family workload. Seek support for working through your children's pesky behaviors that are making parenting no longer fun for you. 

Don’t wait until daily life finally feels unbearable. You don’t need to suffer through challenged family dynamics. Asking for parenting support in no way means you are a bad parent – rather the contrary – it means you care enough to take the time to work on things that don’t feel right. The wellbeing of your children and the quality of your family life are important. You and your children will benefit. Time is precious with our children – and so are you!

Antiracism is about more than being kind - Jackson Hole News & Guide

Antiracist families start with open conversation - Jackson Hole News & Guide

Dear Parents and Caregivers,

Just today, even after being on lockdown for close to two months I said to my family all of whom were working away on their Zoom calls and virtual school in the same room as I, “this is so strange”. You think I would have accepted it by now. For the most part I have, but still the fact that we wear masks and gloves into the grocery store, maintain distance from those we encounter, and actually try not to even encounter others is never something I would have imagined. Nor would I have imagined a global closure, massive loss of life and social and economic devastation. While I wouldn’t have imagined the necessity, I would have imagined the way neighbors, communities, scientists and global leaders have come together to do the best they can to support the vulnerable, the sick, the dying, and those who are taking care of them.

It all can feel very surreal. We are living in a new world, and as such we are being forced to look at who we are in a different way. And this can be unnerving. 

As Julio Vincent Gambuto writes in his essay “The Gaslighting of America Has Begun,” “And now, here we are, alone in our houses, surrounded by loss, many in great despair, being asked to look inward. There is no brand, no leader, no voice that can help us now. We have to help ourselves. This is the moment in the movie that the truth comes out — the truth of who we are and who we most want to be. Armed with that truth, [we] head into the next act with a better understanding of [ourselves] and a revived purpose in the world.”

This idea is what this week’s column in Jackson Hole News & Guide is about (scroll down to see the uncut version) — as it applies to being a parent. My message to parents is always, who do you want to be? As we are forced inside our homes, can we focus more on the internal, and use that as a guidepost as we approach any interaction we have with our children and teens?

Armed with the truth of who we want to be and who we hope our kids become — kind, compassionate, generous, responsible, aware (insert your words here) — we can use this as an anchor to remind us that we have the power to respond to our children in ways that help us uphold those truths.

Be well, take good care of yourselves, go hug your kids, and continue to ask, “who do I want to be as a parent?”

With love and faith in you,
Rachel
Many of the ideas for this column were generated from conversations with Vicki Hoefle — thank you Vicki!

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Lockdown asks us to focus on the internal​
(The longer, uncut version. You can find the edited version at Jackson Hole News & Guide)

Be. Do. Have.   This is something parent educator Vicki Hoefle said recently.

Who do you want to be? What do you need to do in order to be that person? After the being and the doing, you will end up with a result - something you have. It is not the other way. It is always who do you need to be and what do you need to do in order to get what you want to have. 

Whether we are working from home, still working outside the home, or have tragically lost our jobs, many people have been experiencing a bit of an identity crisis during the quarantining-home with the kids 24/7- social distancing part of the COVID-19 pandemic. Who are we now that our world has been turned upside down?

Our identity, who we are, is often formed through internalizing the values of one’s parents or culture. It develops indirectly from how the world around us — parents, peers, employers, society in general — responds to us.  It is a complicated topic and by no means am I an expert. While I only focus on one aspect of identity here, it is important to recognize that there are also cultural, racial and gender identities. While these have significant impact, especially for those that are marginalized, a larger discussion on identity is outside the scope of this column.

For some of us our identities are crumbling because they were built on a certain sense of security, predictability and dependability that have given us a feeling of safety. Right now the world doesn't feel super safe and the future is uncertain, and the fear this brings up can change our identity, for example, from that of a competent person in the work world to what New York Times columnist Emily Flake describes as a “panicked bird”. Adding to that, our identities are formed in relation to others, which we now have very little of, leaving us at a loss for who we are.

The identities for many are also changing because they have lost jobs and loved ones. Who am I if I am not the one who provides for my family? Who am I if not the one who provides for my family? Who am I if not a spouse, daughter, dear friend? Who am I or if I cannot save the lives of so many around me?

As adults we may define ourselves in several ways: parent, friend, athlete, or by our jobs. Often our self worth is tied into how well we do the roles with which we identify. Our society places a great deal of value on being productive. We go to work, we do a good job, and we get rewarded in the form of a paycheck and sometimes acknowledgement. This becomes part of our identity.

Valuing productivity and achievement has been programmed into us by a consumerist society. The thought that “I’m not anything if I'm not productive” is prevalent. Our value, sense of self worth, and often our identity comes from this. We both brag and lament about being busy.

We know how to get through a work day. It’s often rational, logical and orderly. We know what we have to do to get the job done. We either are given instructions or we give them, and for the most part everyone does what they are told.

Yet often we don't know how to translate our identity as a worker into that of being a parent. 
I speculate we have both internal and external identities. The external is what we do, what is visible to others, or a role we play: father, dancer, engineer. The internal is who we are: kind, responsible, generous. It often seems that the do (the external) comes before the be (the internal). In other words, we often focus primarily on our external identities. And this may be because those identities are what our culture and society prime us to prioritize through monetary reward, notoriety or media and marketing schemes that manipulate us into feeling that we have to look, act, behave and feel a certain way.

And sometimes we see this in how we raise our kids. Often parents focus on the external: what sports or musical instruments will our kids play, what grades will they get, will they go to college, and if so where, or what jobs will they have? The pressure we feel for our kids to achieve originates from, is often driven by, and exemplifies the external.

So how does this apply to parenting during the lockdown necessitated by COVID -19?
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During this time of social isolation, being at home with our kids 24/7, changing how we typically show up for work (if we still have a job), managing our feelings of uncertainty, losing loved ones and caring for the sick has pushed us beyond our comfort zones and challenged the ways we think about ourselves. It has exposed our vulnerabilities and forced us to learn new skills. As Emily Flake writes in her article “Big Pandemic Feelings”, “this quarantine feels like a time of reckoning, forcing us to look at ourselves as we really are.” 

Exactly. It’s time we focus on the internal.

Now that many find themselves newly at home full time with their children due to unemployment or working from home, some families are having a hard time functioning well. Parents are overwhelmed, anxious, and have no idea how to manage this new world where we suddenly are faced with finding a new identity. The order and predictability of our work worlds where people know what to do and do what they are told doesn’t translate into being a parent with unpredictable children and teens who have a will of their own and an intense and innate -- and completely normal — drive to be their own independent people. (Remember they are in the stage where they are forming their own identities themselves).

To some extent we are trying to fit the same productivity equation that works in our jobs into raising our children. Yet our kids don’t comply. They don’t know the rules, and even if they did there’s a good chance they won’t willingly follow them. Suddenly we find ourselves in a new world with new rules where no one has given us the instruction manual. 

Our prowess at work does not translate to prowess in the messy world of raising children. The confidence we find in doing our neat and tidy jobs is not something we feel at home with a tantruming toddler, defiant middle-aged child, or a teen engaging in risky behaviors. We become undone. Our identities which have been so tied up in the external are suddenly coming crashing down now that we are being forced to focus more on the internal.

So while our external identities are crumbling for a myriad of reasons, I invite us all to consider spending more time focusing on the internal. Who do I want to be? 

Our priorities may be shifting. What is the most important?

All we can do is let go. Allow ourselves to temporarily crumble and quickly reconstruct ourselves into something new. Our identity doesn't have to come from the kudos of the outside world. It can come from the internal. 

As I always say, it all goes back to our values. What is most important to us in this life? Who do we want to be? How do we want our kids to describe us when they are 30 years old? And who do we hope our kids become? Note — not the what, the who — the character.

If we can start from knowing who we want to be as parents and have a good idea of who we hope our kids become as adults, most often we can see our way through to the other side of every interaction with them. If we can step back and find neutral before running in hot to a challenging situation and remember that the relationship with our children is most important (and teaching skills is a close second), then perhaps we can scale back our reactivity and preempt an eminent power struggle. If we approach our children with calm we are more often than not going to get better results. And if we don't get the results we hope for, we have to check that our expectations are realistic, work with our children toward a compromise, or realize that our children need time and practice in learning a new skill.

Some are saying this time is only about survival. Yet how long can we withstand that mentality and what will be the aftermath? For much of the nation, and perhaps soon for all, schools will be closed for the remainder of the school year — that’s until mid June for some. Living on a survival mentality for that long is not sustainable.

If this seems confusing or hard, that’s OK. I know that living at home with children and trying to work with no outside support — made even more difficult in situations of poverty, single-parenting, and other struggles — is an extremely challenging situation. In no way am I trying to minimize that. Just as our kids need support in learning new skills, sometimes so do we. I know I do.

During this pandemic we are realizing all sorts of capabilities we didn't know we had. We are capable of holding the space while we and our children move through disappointment, hardship, boredom, isolation, confusion and overwhelm. We are capable of resilience, flexibility and compassion. We are capable of sacrifice in order to protect the health of the greater community. We are capable. 

And here’s the thing. Believing in one's abilities makes most things easier, including parenting during a pandemic. I believe that you have the strength and the courage to be the parents you wanted to be when you held your newborn in your arms and looked into her eyes. Our identities may be changing in ways that are unnerving to us right now. But who we want to be as parents can remain constant.  
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Be. Do. Have. Believe in who you can be.

Many of the ideas for this column were generated from conversations with Vicki Hoefle — thank you Vicki!

Parenting in the time of coronavirus - Jackson Hole News & Guide

Dear Parents and Caregivers,
​Most of us are in the midst of week two of school closures. Whether your kids are on "spring break" this week (whatever that means since everyone is home anyway!) or are in school, the reality of social distancing and isolation is setting in. How is your family faring? What is really going on inside your home?
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Collectively we run the gamut: a sigh of relief at a slower pace to pulling our hair out as we try to manage kids at home with seemingly little to do -- not to mention the fear, anxiety and distress this is causing to many of us for a variety of reasons -- loss of jobs, income, security, and even loved ones.

I invite you to reach out. Send me an email or message me on Facebook. Share with me your successes and your challenges. Tell me what you need and what would help. I realize written tips may fall on deaf ears if the chaos, meltdowns, and frustrations are constant and unbearable. Hearing the stories from the trenches allows me to be more equipped to know how to help families -- and allows me to share stories of what is working too.

Know that above all else, strong relationships matter. Having a strong relationship with a caring adult is a protective factor for children feeling stress, experiencing trauma, or even weathering the instability of today's times.

If you are finding this time at home with your children and teens extremely challenging, I am offering virtual coaching sessions at rates that work with families' individual budgets during this time. Don't hesitate to reach out. Now is the time to seek help if you are struggling with challenged family dynamics.

Until then, check out my latest column "Parenting in the time of coronavirus" in Jackson Hole News & Guide giving you ideas of how to survive, and at times even thrive, while our kids are learning from home.

You can find other resources below as well including a podcast recorded with Nate McClennen on "Learning at Home" and two Facebook videos (links below) shot with Vicki Hoefle on Parenting in the time of the coronavirus.

Check out these new resources:

• My latest column "Parenting in the time of coronavirus" in Jackson Hole News & Guide
• Facebook Q&A: "Parenting from the trenches of COVID-19" Part 1 and Part 2
• Facebook video with Vicki Hoelfe taking the meta-view of "Parenting during the Coronavirus"
• A new podcast in partnership with Getting Smart on "Learning at Home"

Go hug your kids, take good care of each other and be well,
Rachel

As a partially reformed perfectionist it can be easy for me to see tasks done by myself or others that aren’t quite up to snuff. Whose snuff is a question that begs an answer – mine or that of the imaginary person looking over my shoulder and judging me? I grew up thinking I had to be perfect in order to be liked. If I’m not careful that thought can still haunt me. This is problematic not only in how it shows up in my life but also in how I sometimes see others, namely my kids.

There are times when I can be just as hard on my children as I am on myself. Do I honestly think my kids will not be liked if they are not perfect? Because I answer no to this, I have to answer the same for myself. So I’ve let go and allowed mistakes and mess to creep in.

Exploring the idea so well discussed by Brené Brown that we are all doing the best we can in any given situation has allowed me to soften and brings in more compassion for myself and my children. Read this week’s column in Jackson Hole News&Guide to ponder whether you can take the stance that your kids are doing the best they can with what they have in any given situation – and that actually we all are!