 Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash Dear Parents and Caregivers,
Happy New Year! As 2021 rolled in I realized that I’ve written over 30 pieces for Jackson Hole News & Guide’s “Parent Talk” column. When I started writing I originally intended to write in a linear fashion where topics about child behavior and raising kids built upon one another. However, as I began to write, ideas came in that didn’t necessarily flow linearly. My work with parents would bring up new ideas to write about, and it seemed vitally important to begin discussions on current events such as the college admissions scandal (see my five part series on that subject found here and here), a deadly pandemic (see my columns on parenting during the coronavirus the impacts of school closures, living in lockdown and a parents role in hybrid learning), or racial injustice and the Black Lives Matter protests (see columns on having open family conversations about antiracism and specifics on how to talk to your children about race). These topics continue to be important, and I’m sure these and new events will compel me to write. Yet now as the new year begins I’m also feeling drawn toward examining important ideas about the development of adolescent and child behavior and the parent-child relationship in a more linear progression. I believe so strongly in our role as parents in helping our children grow into healthy adults in a way that gives them the tools to not only weather and rise up from society's challenges but to also take action, create change and make the world a better place. In order to do this it helps to start with a foundation. Read this week’s column in Jackson Hole News & Guide where I ask you to start with a vision of what you want for your family and give you specific exercises to think about. I go on to explain where I intend to head with future columns. Notably I’ll be offering a monthly virtual discussion group that parallels each column. You can find details and register on my website here. The first discussion will be held on January 27. Be well, go hug your kids, and take good care of yourselves and others. With love and faith in you, Rachel Parent with Intention in the New Year JACKSON HOLE NEWS AND GUIDE: To many, a new year signifies a new beginning – a fresh start. We do this for our work and personal lives when we create resolutions. Why not consider this for our families and how we raise our children? Parenting with a vision in mind can be hard and in the long run has great benefits. We all see behaviors in our children that can raise our tempers – whining, disrespect, extended screen use, defiance, not following directions, and so on. It can be helpful to ask ourselves whether or not our strategies for working with these behaviors are effective. In other words, do we see the behavior diminishing? If the answer is no, it is often a sign that what we are doing isn’t working. (As I say this, I want to acknowledge that there are times that parents feel like they are barely surviving and behaviors may develop from factors that we have little control over such as social isolation, homeschooling during a pandemic and stressful times like we are currently experiencing). In this new year I invite you to try the following exercise as a means of being intentional in getting more of what you want in your family life. First start with who you want your children to be. For example you might hope your child develops into a kind, responsible person who has strong self-esteem and knows how to take care of themselves. Keeping in mind that we can’t force our children into anything – we can only guide and influence – make a list of the qualities you would like to see in your children that match your values. Second, given that discipline actually means to teach, ask yourself what it is you want to be teaching your children. Often the qualities you hope your children develop and what you hope you are teaching are very similar. For example, you might want your child to learn to make good decisions, to not interrupt when you are doing something important, to think about the consequences of their actions, to pick up after themselves, to manage their own bedtime and morning routines, or whatever small thing it is in the moment of a particular interaction. Make this list too. Now put yourself in your children’s shoes – do you think they are learning what you want to be teaching? Are your responses truly teaching your children what you want them to learn? Make a third list of how you tend to respond to your children during times of “misbehavior”, when your blood is about to boil, or when your kids aren’t doing what you want. Looking at this list, you might find that you have positive strategies of connecting, empathizing, working through problems or ignoring the pesky behaviors. If you are like most of us, myself included, you might also have strategies that aren't as constructive. Some of our go to strategies are often used because we don't know what else to do, because we are tired or rushed or frustrated, or because we just want the behavior to stop. This is all very normal – especially during challenging times such as these. When your reserves feel strong and you feel up to the task, ask yourself if strategies such as bribing, threatening, yelling, punishing, nagging, reminding or criticizing actually get you to where you want to be. Are these strategies teaching what you want to be teaching or developing the qualities in your children you hope for? And importantly, do they work for the long term? Are you seeing a change in behavior – or does the behavior only temporarily stop and then come back again in a day or two? For example, can we teach a child not to hit if we hit them? Are we teaching a child how to manage their anger if we yell? If our child whines or interrupts and we give them attention by telling them to stop whining or interrupting, are we teaching them to stop those behaviors? Lastly, using author Vicki Hoefle’s exercise, think about who you want to be as a parent and how you want your children to describe you when they are 30 years old? Would your current interactions with your kids during times of challenge get them to your ideals? You can think about this in terms of how you were raised and how you would describe your parents to a close friend. While parents describe their own parents to me with love, affection and appreciation, they also talk about their parents as being critical, perfectionistic, not present, needing control, worrying too much or disregarding their opinions, for example. I encourage you to sit down and really write out these lists. The idea is to consider whether what you are doing is getting you and your family to where you want to be. Is it getting you to more of what you want – the strong relationship, the ease of getting along and the ability to compromise, see the other side and cooperatively problem solve – in other words more harmony? Over my next several columns, which come in six-week intervals, I’ll be talking about changing things up so you can get more of what you want. The first step is to start defining what you want – so get out paper or poster board and start your visioning process! I’ll start from ground zero – the hows and whys of child behavior: where does a child’s behavior come from, how does it develop, and what do children and teens need in order to develop into thriving adults. And then we’ll go on to discuss what this looks like in daily interactions using real life examples (so send me your questions and scenarios). I’ll give you ideas and exercises along the way. What I plan on discussing is applicable for parents of all age children – toddler through teen. To this end, I invite you to join me in a monthly Zoom discussion group. Topics will parallel those of my column and you’ll be able to get insights into how these ideas apply to your personal family dynamics (find details at www.GrowingGreatFamilies.org). Thanks to Amy Lew, Ph.D., and the books she co-authored from Connections Press for inspiration for this column. Rachel offers individual and group parent coaching sessions at rates that work for individual family budgets. You can find her at www.GrowingGreatFamilies.org.
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 JACKSON HOLE NEWS & GUIDE: “What is my role as a parent in supporting my child’s at-home learning?” This is one of the biggest questions I’m hearing from parents.
The scenario is often a derivation of something like this: My son is having a hard time turning in his assignments. My daughter is on her device all the time – even during Zoom class. My child isn’t motivated. They aren’t engaged. They are in their room all the time. Their grades are suffering. They have stopped showing up for online school. Parents then wisely ask the question, “Do I constantly monitor my child’s school work and dictate when and how they do it, or do I make it clear that it is their responsibility and let them fail at times?” They go on to acknowledge that the intervening and micromanaging lead to power struggles and a rift in the relationship. What’s a parent to do? When I ask parents who they want their kids to be as learners they say they want them to be self-driven, independent, motivated learners who take responsibility and find interest in their learning. Of course this isn’t going to happen for every assignment and every student, but you get the gist. Yet if we are highly involved in our kids’ school work by telling them how and when to do it, it is hard for them to develop the skills necessary to become that self-driven learner. Our involvement also sends them the message that we don’t trust they can do it on their own. On the other hand, we can’t bear to see our kids fail. We fear that if we do step back our kids won’t take on any of the responsibility themselves. There is a middle ground. It's a gradual approach and you have to be willing to accept a few steps back and some turbulent waters before you see results. It’s OK to say to your kids, “I’ve noticed lately that it’s hard for you to get your school work done… that you don’t seem motivated… that you are on your device and distracted a lot…” or whatever it is in your home. Then validate what life has been like for them. Let your child know you understand what a tough situation this is. Home alone, no friends around to make school fun, and being asked to complete school work that may not be motivating. Tell your kids, “I don’t want to be nagging and micromanaging you anymore. It’s not fun for me, it’s not good for our relationship, and I’m sure you don’t like it either. So what are we going to do?” Then ask them questions and help them problem solve. “What has been working for you? When do you feel the most motivated? What are the challenges? What goals or expectations do you have for yourself? What do you think will happen if you don’t do your work? Do you really want to fail this class or repeat this grade while all your friends move on? Is there a system that you can come up with that will work for you? How would you like me to be involved? Where can I support?” Give your kids a few days to think about this and schedule a time to come back and talk. And then leave them alone. Follow through with what you said about not nagging. Your fingernails may be bitten down to the end, but do what it takes to give them their space. If they’ve asked for your support, then by all means give it – while acknowledging that the system they come up with may not be the one you had in mind. Let them try their system for a week then come back and reevaluate. Acknowledge all the positives. This is so important! We spend too much time on what is not working. We need to flip the scale. If the system isn't working, go back to the drawing board. It’s OK to have limits and boundaries – especially when it comes to tech use – and it works even better if you can involve your child in creating them. You can bring the child’s goal into this: “I know your goal was to finish all your school work by 5pm, but it seems like time on your device is preventing you from doing that. How do you want to solve this problem?” If they can’t come up with their own limit, it is OK to create one yourself. Here’s why it’s important to back off: Much of your child’s behavior might be about the power struggle. From age 2 to 22 our kids are striving for increasing autonomy and independence. They need to have a sense of control over their own lives where they feel they can act upon the world and have impact on their own lives. If they haven’t been given this chance they are going to fight back. So drop it from your side. Give them the space and time to rise to the occasion on their own all while handing off more and more responsibility to them in other areas of their lives (self-care, contributions in the home or community, etc.). When you back off you are giving your kids ownership. You are showing them you believe that they can solve their problem on their own. Your belief in them is the foundation for their belief in themselves. Go slow - your kids might not want to talk with you about any of this if they are used to the conversation ending up in nagging and power struggles. They may need time to trust that you aren’t going to jump down their throats about what they are doing wrong every time this subject comes up. Will our kids fail sometimes in this process? Yes. And they will learn how to pick themselves back up. I know the stakes seem high when it comes to school and grades. And our job as parents is to teach our kids while they are still in our homes to navigate the world independently. This learning will come with some setbacks, but the results are worth it. Be patient, set up agreed-upon boundaries at first, then gradually let go. Our kids need to know we believe in them. They need to know they are capable. It is our job to give them these opportunities so have faith that while things may get messy in this process you are teaching your kids invaluable skills and fostering an inner strength that will last a lifetime.  Photo by Rémi Walle on Unsplash Dear Parents and Caregivers, There were times when my kids were little when I would find myself, hands in the air, looking toward the sky and thinking “I have no idea what to do in this moment” as if I were asking for divine intervention to swoop down and wave its magic wand to create the peace I so deeply desired. Yes, parenting did not come easy to me. I loved my kids to death – and continue to – and I found loads of joy in being with them, but when the you-know-what hit the fan and emotions were raging, all I wanted was calm, rationality and control. I was at a loss. A complete loss. There were moments when I hated how my children and I interacted – the tantrums, the high emotions, the bedtime battles, the neediness – and my lack of ability to deal with it all effectively. As I wrote in my previous column, parental burnout is real, and I imagine there were times when I was there. I knew I needed help – I wanted help – but I didn't know how to ask, where to look, and I was afraid anyone I talked to wouldn't be able to talk to me in a way that aligned with my thoughts on parenting. So I struggled – and worked really hard to figure it out on my own. But I lost a lot of good time with my children, which could have been avoided if I had gotten help. Don’t make the mistake I made. As I write in last week's Jackson Hole News & Guide, you don’t need to suffer through challenged family dynamics. Asking for parenting support in no way means you are a bad parent – rather the contrary – it means you care enough to take the time to work on things that don’t feel right. You and your children will benefit. Time is precious with our children – and so are you! Be well, go hug your kids, and take good care of yourselves and others. With love and faith in you, Rachel Parenting is tough; it's OK to ask for help
JACKSON HOLE NEWS & GUIDE: I’ve worked with a few families over the years who’ve told me they waited a year to finally call me and ask for support. When I asked them why it had taken them so long to pick up the phone, they said family life had finally gotten really challenging. It made me wonder: why do we wait to ask for help? Parenting feels especially hard for many of us right now. The world has become a more and more complicated landscape in which to raise children. In normal times, let alone during a pandemic, so many aspects of parenting – managing the household, childcare, differing schedules, work, various behaviors and everyone’s emotions – can be psychologically exhausting. Yet we don't ask for help. Very few of us come into raising children with a degree in psychology or child development. All we know is that our kids refuse to get into the car and we've got an 8:00 meeting we have to get to and we'll do whatever it takes to get them buckled in so we can get to work on time. And often that involves a tactic that leaves us feeling undermined, angry, exhausted or just plain sad. Why is it we don’t ask for help? We believe we’re supposed to know what to do. We feel like failures if there are challenges in our family lives that we don't know how to manage. Parents have been raising children for generations – shouldn't this come naturally to us? Yet parenting is complicated – and it’s messy. As we seek to prepare our children to enter this increasingly complicated world, and as we continue to understand the neuroscience of the developing brain, parenting roles and ideas have shifted. We were given a manual to learn how to drive, but no one handed out the manual telling us how to calmly remove the digital device from our screaming 6-year or coax our angry teen into spending time with us. Our children’s behaviors can seem irrational and can trigger our strong reactions, and we are inundated by often conflicting advice from every angle. It is normal to not know how to respond in every situation. We don’t feel we can carve out the time. Life is busy. Sometimes we don’t feel like we have an extra second for anything. We don’t have the time to intentionally work out solutions with our children or attend a parenting class because we are frantically trying to take care of everything else, put out fires and keep the peace. Yet sometimes taking a step back to get help with new strategies and ways of responding, creating routines and systems with our children, or taking time to problem solve issues in relationships can actually save time in the long run, bring a lighter atmosphere into the home and prevent some of the fires from igniting in the first place. Sometimes it takes a shifting of priorities: Perhaps let go of the condition of the house or have cereal for dinner so you can take a walk with a trusted friend or create a workable morning routine with your children. We live in a society that prides itself on self-sufficiency and independence. As such, asking for help is perceived as a weakness. As in other aspects of our lives we believe if we just work harder, plan more and do the background research we can be successful and well respected. “Yet,” an article in HuffPost says, “when self-sufficiency is taken to the extreme, the burden of too much responsibility can cause stress, unrealistic expectations, lack of self acceptance and no acknowledgment of personal needs…..and in our society the bar continually gets higher and the risk of burnout is huge”. This belief that we should be able solve our problems on our own leads us to pushing off asking for help until the point where we are really suffering. If you are struggling – or even if if you’re not but feel like some fine tuning could help – but are afraid to reach out, try using author Peggy Collins “ACT Formula”: A – What are you afraid of? What is preventing you from asking for help? Fear of rejection? Appearing vulnerable? Surrender of power? C – Let go of feeling you have to control everything and that asking feels like giving up that control. T – Learn to trust yourself enough to reach out and take a chance that you can trust someone else.” What does help look like? Help can come in different forms. Figure out what works for you and don't be afraid to ask for it. Find a community of parents to talk to. Ask a friend to swap childcare so you can take care of yourself. Talk to your partner about balancing out the family workload. Seek support for working through your children's pesky behaviors that are making parenting no longer fun for you. Don’t wait until daily life finally feels unbearable. You don’t need to suffer through challenged family dynamics. Asking for parenting support in no way means you are a bad parent – rather the contrary – it means you care enough to take the time to work on things that don’t feel right. The wellbeing of your children and the quality of your family life are important. You and your children will benefit. Time is precious with our children – and so are you!  Dear Parents and Caregivers, In this week’s Jackson Hole News & Guide I talk about how school and childcare closures can impact parents in two very important ways: the ability to go to work, and parents’ mental health. I also talk about how these closures impact the economy. The ripple effects of the coronavirus have had a significant impact on the mental health of parents. Seventy-one percent of American parents are reporting that managing their children’s distance/ online learning is a significant cause of stress and 70% are reporting the same about meeting their family’s basic needs (i.e., food, housing). Parental burnout is real and on the rise. If you feel you are headed in this direction, I invite you to reach out. If your family dynamics are challenging, don't wait until you’ve reached the edge. If cost is a barrier, know that I never want to turn away families because of an inability to pay. I offer a sliding scale to work with individual family budgets and work virtually with families one-on-one or in groups. Finally, after reading my column, consider this. If schools and childcare centers must close, and you are creating at home learning pods, would you be willing to include families who may not have the ability to do this themselves? Be well, go hug your kids, and take good care of yourselves and others. With love and faith in you, Rachel School, child care closures have trickle-down effects JACKSON HOLE NEWS & GUIDE: In the last several months, COVID-related school and childcare center closures have necessitated that parents all over the world make the tough choice between going to work and caring for their children. It has taken a global pandemic for us to realize just how important both quality affordable childcare and in-person schools are not only to family well-being, but also to employers and the economy. Without care for our children, parents cannot work. It’s amazing how much we take this for granted. If parents can't work, they can't pay their bills -- put food on the table, keep the lights on, have stable housing. But it doesn’t stop there. If parents can't work, employers lose their workforce. Without a workforce our economy declines. Ironic how our undervalued and underfunded system of childcare and education fuel our nation. The Brookings Institution reports that in 2018, 33.5 million workers had children under the age of 14. That’s 26% of workers who rely on schools and childcare so that they can go to work. As an employer, imagine losing a quarter of your workforce. Some parents have no option but to be physically at their workplace. If they want to keep their jobs, they have to leave the home. This especially impacts families living below the poverty line who often don't have the option of working from home and cannot bear the financial hardship of one parent quitting their job to care for the children. So they cobble together childcare hoping it is safe, or ask an older sibling to care for the younger ones who thus have to sacrifice their own education. The work-childcare dilemma also disproportionately impacts women. Working mothers are often the ones to quit (or lose) their jobs and stay home. This exacerbates the choice women have to make between their children and their careers, makes it difficult to secure a stable income, and may contribute to earning gaps and employment rates of women. And because 81% of single parents are women, the challenges are even harder for mothers who are single (of whom over a third live in poverty), and especially impacts women of color who are mothers. Other working parents have the privilege, flexibility and access to technology to work from home. Yet this creates another dilemma. Those who can work from home are faced with the impossible balancing act of caring for and educating their children while trying to put in quality working hours. This is not sustainable from either side. It is hard to imagine that the quality of work of a parent who is also trying to manage their child’s education, safety and well-being is not diminished -- especially for those who find the only time they can work is through the wee hours of the morning. And, the stress of all this can create a strain on the parent-child relationship. Regardless of whether parents work within or outside the home, when they are stressed and exhausted it leaves them little capacity to interact with their children and teens through disagreements, defiance and normal behavioral challenges. When these behaviors are exacerbated due to learning differences or by the anxiety and loss children feel from a socially distant world where their routines are in upheaval and they can't see their friends, we can see parents at their wits end. They don’t have the reserves to respond to their children effectively. Parental burnout is a psychological phenomena defined by Psychology Today as “physical and emotional exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed, emotional distancing from one's children, and a sense of being an ineffective parent” and can result from high levels of parenting-related stress caused by a lack of resources to meet the demands of being a parent. In extremes it is a risk factor for child abuse and neglect. We can't give our children what we don't have. It can be hard for a child to learn emotional regulation, problem solving skills, and a plethora of character traits without a parent who is an interested and calm presence, is emotionally present and models patience, empathy and resilience in the face of challenge. Parents are at an increased risk of parental burnout due to the trickle down effects of a lack of childcare, financial insecurity and decreased social support caused by COVID-19. In some ways it seems as if we are between a rock and a hard place. Working parents rely on school and childcare systems to participate in the workforce and maintain a healthy relationship with their children -- an economic recovery relies on the same. Yet our uncertain future in which COVID cases could skyrocket may not allow these systems to function. Teton County, Wyoming schools have done their best to open in a way that they believe is safe and allows for the childcare that working families desperately need. They are hopeful that schools will be able to resume in person full time in months to come. Yet the future is uncertain and whether schools and childcare centers stay open remains to be seen. This is not just a family problem. It is a societal and economic problem. Solutions may seem daunting and it is hard to plan for the unknown, yet some of our community non-profits, agencies, and elected officials are beginning to consider the problem and discuss ideas. In the meantime I invite you to begin considering three things: 1) what is your backup plan to care for your children if schools and childcare centers must close -- and would you be willing to include those who may not have the ability to implement such plans (ie., homeschool pods, hiring in-home childcare, etc.)? 2) how do you take care of yourself? Just as you recharge your cell phone every night, you need to do the same for yourself; and 3) work toward understanding the world from your child’s perspective when you approach them in any interaction, especially during times of challenge.  Dear Parents and Caregivers,
I spend a lot of time in my Jackson Hole News & Guide columns suggesting that parents focus on who they want their kids to be as a foundation in raising their children. Columns titled “Think who, not what, you want your kids to be” or “Rather than wanting 'what’s best,' start with a vision” ask parents to get to the heart of who they want to be as parents and who they hope their kids become. Knowing our “why” in our parenting worlds can help anchor us to a practice of showing up every day for our children in a way that helps them develop into the who: kind, capable, resilient, generous and contributing people. Why are you parenting? Why did you become a parent? What was your vision when you held your newborn in your arms? Sometimes our current reality doesn’t match our vision. We are not always the parents we set out to be when our kids are not doing what we want. We become naggy, bossy, demanding, angry and my go-to: critical. Often these default responses come because we don’t know what else to do (and they are often remnants from how we were parented). We can continue to “wing it” and hope that someday our kids will fall into line and behave according to our expectations, but ask yourself: do these strategies of nagging, bossing, time-outing, and punishing really work? Do they get the behavior to change for the long term and do they get you to your “why”: a strong mutually respectful relationship, a child who can think independently, take care of herself and be considerate of those around him, and a parent (you) who your child will later describe as encouraging, accepting, supportive, loving or fun? Or, you can parent with a plan. Think about it -- we make plans for most things we do: getting a project done at work, meeting up with friends, cooking a meal, or going on a trip. And you may have plans that involve your kids: bedtime routines, getting out of the house or helping with chores. Yet I’ve heard from so many parents that while they have established routines or charts, nothing is really working. Bedtime still takes an hour and ends in tears. Getting out of the house is still filled with nagging reminders, refusals to move forward and stressed parents. And kids still don’t contribute in the household even though chores have been established a long time ago. Introduce Vicki Hoefle’s parenting roadmap. What is a parenting roadmap and how does it work? Find out by reading my column in this week’s Jackson Hole News & Guide. Creating a roadmap to reach family goals JACKSON HOLE NEWS & GUIDE: School starts in about a month, and while I don’t mean to stop the summer fun, my next column doesn't come out until mid-September and I want to offer some tools. At this point we don’t know what school will look like: fully in person, distance learning, or a hybrid of the two. This uncertainty can be unnerving and challenging for some. The fears of going back to distance learning can be big. Figuring out how to work while also taking on the job of a full time teacher and behavior specialist was hard enough in the spring. The thoughts of doing this again for an undetermined amount of time can be daunting. Yet I encourage you to put any anxieties about what you can’t control on the back burner and stay in the present moment, focusing on what you can control. Regardless of what school will look like in the fall, having routines and a plan in place is where you can have the most influence in making a smooth transition from summer back to school. Parent educator Vicki Hoelfe created a tool she calls a parenting roadmap. The difference between a parenting roadmap and the routines and charts you may have created with your children is that the focus of the roadmap is on you, the parent, not the child. It’s about what we as parents ourselves can do, rather than trying to get the children to change. And while, yes, we do want some of our kids’ pesky behaviors to turn a corner, the way we will have the most influence is focusing on ourselves. The great thing about roadmaps is that they can work for anything. You can apply them to any challenge you have or change you want to make: summer boredom, excessive screen time, helping around the house, being more fun as a parent, homework hassles and so on. Using the example of morning routines, here’s how it works: Identify where you want to be: I want to get out of the house on time in a calm manner with everyone owning their mornings, feeling good about each other, taking responsibility for themselves, and making small contributions to the greater functioning of the family. Identify where you are now: I am stressed and rushed. I nag, remind and micromanage my kids. They dilly-dally, noodle and refuse to get dressed and do their jobs. There are sometimes tears, tantrums or bad attitudes. We are rushed and frequently late. Identify the steps you will take to bridge the gap: Think about what needs to happen in order to get out of the house in a calm manner with smiles on your faces. First I need to consider my go-to responses of micromanaging, doing everything for my kids, nagging and scurrying them along. What would happen if I stepped back and let my kids figure the world out on their own? What are my own anxieties that keep me in that hot seat of barely containing myself when the kids go at their own paces? What are my beliefs about how a “good” family should function in the mornings and how is that impacting how I show up? Rout this out. If you don’t your default response will come back to rear its ugly head. Next ask if your kids know how to do all the things you are expecting of them. Are their clothes accessible? Do they know how to make toast or fix a bowl of cereal? Do they pack their backpacks, make and remember their lunch, put their dishes in the dishwasher, get themselves up with an alarm clock? If not, begin teaching them - one skill at a time. Ask your kids how they would like their mornings to go and what is important to them. Do they want some snuggle time, play time, or time to finish their homework? If so, talk to them about adjusting what time the alarm is set. Help them create their own morning routine that works for them. Then, here’s the hard part: step back. Allow time for training. Allow for mess ups and mishaps. Notice progress and improvement. Comment on all the great things they are doing rather than nagging about the opposite. And be patient. Remember your goals of fostering a strong relationship and independent children through the hubbub of getting out of the house. My nagging and micromanaging only teaches my kids that they aren’t capable and that I will do everything for them. It certainly doesn’t bring us closer, and it certainly doesn't make the kids feel good about themselves. Learning new skills takes time, just as learning to change our responses will take time. Having a roadmap that is written down and posted where you can see it serves as a reminder to you about how you will behave and what you will do to foster a healthy relationship while also fostering your children’s independence and capabilities. If you are interested in creating a parenting roadmap but want some support, Rachel offers individual and group coaching sessions at rates that work for individual family budgets. You can find more here.
Antiracism is about more than being kind - Jackson Hole News & Guide If we want a racially just society, and I sure hope we all do, we need to talk to our children and teens about racism and antiracism in an open and honest way. In the second of my two-part series on this subject, I suggest some specifics of what you can do at home to talk to your children about this complicated topic....
Read more here  Antiracist families start with open conversation - Jackson Hole News & Guide Dear Parents and Caregivers,
My greatest wish is for children to grow up to feel and be accepted for who they are; to be healthy in all aspects of the word -- emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually; to believe in themselves and feel good about who they are -- not because of what they have done -- but merely because they were born; and to be able to move through the world with a sense of agency and capability. My greatest hope is for families to thrive, to know how to navigate challenges and come out the other side, to care for and take care of one another and to find ways to contribute to their larger community. That is why I’m in this work. Being a parent and raising children is hard. With the right support, though, I don’t think it needs to be that hard. So I work to support parents on their heartfelt journey of raising children in today’s fast paced and ever changing world. While there are times I talk in universals about parenting, I realize that family diversity is enormous. Not only are there the obvious differences in families due to culture, race, geographic location, socio-economic status, religion, political beliefs, family composition (divorced, single parenting, gender, sexual orientation, grandparents, foster, adoptive) and more, there are also individual cultural differences between families who may appear more similar from the outside. While all this may be true, it is also important to recognize that for some families realizing my greatest wish for children mentioned above (to feel accepted for who they are) might be easier than for others. It can be profoundly painful and even traumatic to be denied acceptance for who you are if society tells you you aren't acceptable based on the color of your skin or your sexual identity. When one group has the power, and an inordinate access to resources and privilege over another, it can be harder to be healthy in every sense of the word. And when a marginalized identity experiences discrimination it can be difficult to move through the world with a sense of agency and capability. Similarly it can be hard for families to thrive and move through challenges when they don’t have access to necessary resources. I apologize if my writing in universals has offended or excluded anyone. I work hard to take into account a diverse array of contexts, beliefs and situations, yet given the extreme diversity in individual family systems, I know I don’t always get it right. So I welcome your opinions. Your feedback. Your discourse. I want to be clear about something else. It is important to note that racism isn’t about people and families being different. It’s about one racial group having power, dominance, access to resources, prejudice and privilege over another racial group based on an idea of perceived superiority. If we want a racially just society, and I sure hope we all do, we need to talk to our children and teens about racism and antiracism in an open and honest way. Dive into my column in this week’s Jackson Hole News & Guide for the first in a two-part series on talking to your children about race. Be well, go hug your kids, and take good care of yourselves and others. With love and faith in you, Rachel  Dear Parents and Caregivers,
Just today, even after being on lockdown for close to two months I said to my family all of whom were working away on their Zoom calls and virtual school in the same room as I, “this is so strange”. You think I would have accepted it by now. For the most part I have, but still the fact that we wear masks and gloves into the grocery store, maintain distance from those we encounter, and actually try not to even encounter others is never something I would have imagined. Nor would I have imagined a global closure, massive loss of life and social and economic devastation. While I wouldn’t have imagined the necessity, I would have imagined the way neighbors, communities, scientists and global leaders have come together to do the best they can to support the vulnerable, the sick, the dying, and those who are taking care of them. It all can feel very surreal. We are living in a new world, and as such we are being forced to look at who we are in a different way. And this can be unnerving. As Julio Vincent Gambuto writes in his essay “The Gaslighting of America Has Begun,” “And now, here we are, alone in our houses, surrounded by loss, many in great despair, being asked to look inward. There is no brand, no leader, no voice that can help us now. We have to help ourselves. This is the moment in the movie that the truth comes out — the truth of who we are and who we most want to be. Armed with that truth, [we] head into the next act with a better understanding of [ourselves] and a revived purpose in the world.” This idea is what this week’s column in Jackson Hole News & Guide is about (scroll down to see the uncut version) — as it applies to being a parent. My message to parents is always, who do you want to be? As we are forced inside our homes, can we focus more on the internal, and use that as a guidepost as we approach any interaction we have with our children and teens? Armed with the truth of who we want to be and who we hope our kids become — kind, compassionate, generous, responsible, aware (insert your words here) — we can use this as an anchor to remind us that we have the power to respond to our children in ways that help us uphold those truths. Be well, take good care of yourselves, go hug your kids, and continue to ask, “who do I want to be as a parent?” With love and faith in you, Rachel Many of the ideas for this column were generated from conversations with Vicki Hoefle — thank you Vicki! Lockdown asks us to focus on the internal (The longer, uncut version. You can find the edited version at Jackson Hole News & Guide) Be. Do. Have. This is something parent educator Vicki Hoefle said recently. Who do you want to be? What do you need to do in order to be that person? After the being and the doing, you will end up with a result - something you have. It is not the other way. It is always who do you need to be and what do you need to do in order to get what you want to have. Whether we are working from home, still working outside the home, or have tragically lost our jobs, many people have been experiencing a bit of an identity crisis during the quarantining-home with the kids 24/7- social distancing part of the COVID-19 pandemic. Who are we now that our world has been turned upside down? Our identity, who we are, is often formed through internalizing the values of one’s parents or culture. It develops indirectly from how the world around us — parents, peers, employers, society in general — responds to us. It is a complicated topic and by no means am I an expert. While I only focus on one aspect of identity here, it is important to recognize that there are also cultural, racial and gender identities. While these have significant impact, especially for those that are marginalized, a larger discussion on identity is outside the scope of this column. For some of us our identities are crumbling because they were built on a certain sense of security, predictability and dependability that have given us a feeling of safety. Right now the world doesn't feel super safe and the future is uncertain, and the fear this brings up can change our identity, for example, from that of a competent person in the work world to what New York Times columnist Emily Flake describes as a “panicked bird”. Adding to that, our identities are formed in relation to others, which we now have very little of, leaving us at a loss for who we are. The identities for many are also changing because they have lost jobs and loved ones. Who am I if I am not the one who provides for my family? Who am I if not the one who provides for my family? Who am I if not a spouse, daughter, dear friend? Who am I or if I cannot save the lives of so many around me? As adults we may define ourselves in several ways: parent, friend, athlete, or by our jobs. Often our self worth is tied into how well we do the roles with which we identify. Our society places a great deal of value on being productive. We go to work, we do a good job, and we get rewarded in the form of a paycheck and sometimes acknowledgement. This becomes part of our identity. Valuing productivity and achievement has been programmed into us by a consumerist society. The thought that “I’m not anything if I'm not productive” is prevalent. Our value, sense of self worth, and often our identity comes from this. We both brag and lament about being busy. We know how to get through a work day. It’s often rational, logical and orderly. We know what we have to do to get the job done. We either are given instructions or we give them, and for the most part everyone does what they are told. Yet often we don't know how to translate our identity as a worker into that of being a parent. I speculate we have both internal and external identities. The external is what we do, what is visible to others, or a role we play: father, dancer, engineer. The internal is who we are: kind, responsible, generous. It often seems that the do (the external) comes before the be (the internal). In other words, we often focus primarily on our external identities. And this may be because those identities are what our culture and society prime us to prioritize through monetary reward, notoriety or media and marketing schemes that manipulate us into feeling that we have to look, act, behave and feel a certain way. And sometimes we see this in how we raise our kids. Often parents focus on the external: what sports or musical instruments will our kids play, what grades will they get, will they go to college, and if so where, or what jobs will they have? The pressure we feel for our kids to achieve originates from, is often driven by, and exemplifies the external. So how does this apply to parenting during the lockdown necessitated by COVID -19? During this time of social isolation, being at home with our kids 24/7, changing how we typically show up for work (if we still have a job), managing our feelings of uncertainty, losing loved ones and caring for the sick has pushed us beyond our comfort zones and challenged the ways we think about ourselves. It has exposed our vulnerabilities and forced us to learn new skills. As Emily Flake writes in her article “Big Pandemic Feelings”, “this quarantine feels like a time of reckoning, forcing us to look at ourselves as we really are.” Exactly. It’s time we focus on the internal. Now that many find themselves newly at home full time with their children due to unemployment or working from home, some families are having a hard time functioning well. Parents are overwhelmed, anxious, and have no idea how to manage this new world where we suddenly are faced with finding a new identity. The order and predictability of our work worlds where people know what to do and do what they are told doesn’t translate into being a parent with unpredictable children and teens who have a will of their own and an intense and innate -- and completely normal — drive to be their own independent people. (Remember they are in the stage where they are forming their own identities themselves). To some extent we are trying to fit the same productivity equation that works in our jobs into raising our children. Yet our kids don’t comply. They don’t know the rules, and even if they did there’s a good chance they won’t willingly follow them. Suddenly we find ourselves in a new world with new rules where no one has given us the instruction manual. Our prowess at work does not translate to prowess in the messy world of raising children. The confidence we find in doing our neat and tidy jobs is not something we feel at home with a tantruming toddler, defiant middle-aged child, or a teen engaging in risky behaviors. We become undone. Our identities which have been so tied up in the external are suddenly coming crashing down now that we are being forced to focus more on the internal. So while our external identities are crumbling for a myriad of reasons, I invite us all to consider spending more time focusing on the internal. Who do I want to be? Our priorities may be shifting. What is the most important? All we can do is let go. Allow ourselves to temporarily crumble and quickly reconstruct ourselves into something new. Our identity doesn't have to come from the kudos of the outside world. It can come from the internal. As I always say, it all goes back to our values. What is most important to us in this life? Who do we want to be? How do we want our kids to describe us when they are 30 years old? And who do we hope our kids become? Note — not the what, the who — the character. If we can start from knowing who we want to be as parents and have a good idea of who we hope our kids become as adults, most often we can see our way through to the other side of every interaction with them. If we can step back and find neutral before running in hot to a challenging situation and remember that the relationship with our children is most important (and teaching skills is a close second), then perhaps we can scale back our reactivity and preempt an eminent power struggle. If we approach our children with calm we are more often than not going to get better results. And if we don't get the results we hope for, we have to check that our expectations are realistic, work with our children toward a compromise, or realize that our children need time and practice in learning a new skill. Some are saying this time is only about survival. Yet how long can we withstand that mentality and what will be the aftermath? For much of the nation, and perhaps soon for all, schools will be closed for the remainder of the school year — that’s until mid June for some. Living on a survival mentality for that long is not sustainable. If this seems confusing or hard, that’s OK. I know that living at home with children and trying to work with no outside support — made even more difficult in situations of poverty, single-parenting, and other struggles — is an extremely challenging situation. In no way am I trying to minimize that. Just as our kids need support in learning new skills, sometimes so do we. I know I do. During this pandemic we are realizing all sorts of capabilities we didn't know we had. We are capable of holding the space while we and our children move through disappointment, hardship, boredom, isolation, confusion and overwhelm. We are capable of resilience, flexibility and compassion. We are capable of sacrifice in order to protect the health of the greater community. We are capable. And here’s the thing. Believing in one's abilities makes most things easier, including parenting during a pandemic. I believe that you have the strength and the courage to be the parents you wanted to be when you held your newborn in your arms and looked into her eyes. Our identities may be changing in ways that are unnerving to us right now. But who we want to be as parents can remain constant. Be. Do. Have. Believe in who you can be. Many of the ideas for this column were generated from conversations with Vicki Hoefle — thank you Vicki! Dear Parents and Caregivers,
Apologies for the frequent emails, but I felt like I needed to address the title of my latest column. Due to a miscommunication between my truly amazing and much appreciated editor, the title of the printed version of my column reads "How to parent in the time of coronavirus" rather than "Parenting in the time of coronavirus" (the online version reads the latter). It may be semantics, but I never want to tell people how to parent, nor do I think it's my job. There are too many variables, individual circumstances, family structures, and family values. There are also a variety of ways to approach raising children. You know your family best. You know what works for your kids. It is not my job to tell you what to do. I see my job as that of being a guide. I provide research and evidence based information. I offer tips and suggestions based on that information. I listen to what is going on in individual homes and respond to those individual family dynamics. When writing for a broad audience it is impossible to respond to all individual dynamics, values and beliefs, and while I attempt to be as inclusive as possible, by nature of a short column I have to generalize. I apologize if the title offended anyone, and I welcome discourse if you feel compelled. I also want to acknowledge that social distancing and keeping especially older teens home is difficult. I will write about that in upcoming posts. My columns are currently on a 6-week schedule for Jackson Hole News & Guide. If you would like to receive my blogs that go out between columns, you can subscribe to my mailing list or find them on Facebook or my website. Take care, go hug your kids, and be well, Rachel  Parenting in the time of coronavirus - Jackson Hole News & Guide Dear Parents and Caregivers,
Most of us are in the midst of week two of school closures. Whether your kids are on "spring break" this week (whatever that means since everyone is home anyway!) or are in school, the reality of social distancing and isolation is setting in. How is your family faring? What is really going on inside your home? Collectively we run the gamut: a sigh of relief at a slower pace to pulling our hair out as we try to manage kids at home with seemingly little to do -- not to mention the fear, anxiety and distress this is causing to many of us for a variety of reasons -- loss of jobs, income, security, and even loved ones. I invite you to reach out. Send me an email or message me on Facebook. Share with me your successes and your challenges. Tell me what you need and what would help. I realize written tips may fall on deaf ears if the chaos, meltdowns, and frustrations are constant and unbearable. Hearing the stories from the trenches allows me to be more equipped to know how to help families -- and allows me to share stories of what is working too. Know that above all else, strong relationships matter. Having a strong relationship with a caring adult is a protective factor for children feeling stress, experiencing trauma, or even weathering the instability of today's times. If you are finding this time at home with your children and teens extremely challenging, I am offering virtual coaching sessions at rates that work with families' individual budgets during this time. Don't hesitate to reach out. Now is the time to seek help if you are struggling with challenged family dynamics. Until then, check out my latest column "Parenting in the time of coronavirus" in Jackson Hole News & Guide giving you ideas of how to survive, and at times even thrive, while our kids are learning from home. You can find other resources below as well including a podcast recorded with Nate McClennen on "Learning at Home" and two Facebook videos (links below) shot with Vicki Hoefle on Parenting in the time of the coronavirus. Check out these new resources:
Go hug your kids, take good care of each other and be well, Rachel |
AuthorRachel Wigglesworth has an M.Ed. in Parent and Family Education and is excited to explore the world of raising children with you! Archives
January 2021
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